Friday, October 29, 2010

Goodbye? Not Just Yet.

24 more days,
and this uniform will only be a memory,
and ponytails won't be compulsory.

24 more days. OMG :| I am so not ready, I am not kidding you. I know, I've been saying this for like the past posts but I can't help it! Counting down the days, I am glad that once and for all, it's going to be closed chapter and I can begin a new journey...but at the same time, I'm worried, scared and sad.

Pfffftt. I'm talking as though I'm the only one who's feeling like this.

But I can't stop these roller coaster feelings! One minute, I'm alright; next minute, I'm stressed out and on the edge of breaking down. Usually it happens when I'm doing Add Maths. Damn you, Add Maths. Damn you, Science subjects. After SPM, that will be the LAST time I'll ever study and sit for you. I shall take Arts subjects - not drawing (I can't draw) but English Literature/Journalism/Creative Writing in college. Period.

"So what college are you going to?"

"....I don't know!"

Taylors, I suppose? But really, that's not confirmed at all. I will be going down there in Subang with my parents on its Open Day. Mum said NO to Diploma, it's risky and will do me no good. I have no objections for as long as I can get into college and graduate with a Degree - or better, Masters :D

"What are you going to take?"

".....I don't know!"

Most obvious one now is A-levels or maybe, Canadian Pre-U - but nothing's confirmed either. Need to do more research and see which is the best. A-levels is HARD but if you score well, it'll do you BLOODY GOOD. Maximum 4 may sound little but the percentage of people scoring all A's for A-levels is as thin as a paper. YEAH :/

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Everything Has Its Ending

This is it.

Graduation Day is on 3rd November.


I can't believe it, I'm graduating soon. So fast.

Okay. Well, we are graduating earlier but we still have to sit for our SPM which falls on 23rd November :/ Graduations are held earlier almost at every single school here because our exams finish differently according to the subjects we take and we are taking our SPM during the long, national school holidays.

Still. OHMYGOD. Hahaha, I still can't believe it myself. Graduation. It's going to be held at Dewan Jalan Adang - where the heck is there? And we(girls) have to wear baju kurung and kasut bertumit tinggi tutup. Are you freaking kidding me? I don't mind baju kurung, let's all go baju kurun crazy fan girls on that day but CLOSED TOES HIGH HEELS? Pffft. Whatever. Like they're gonna check how pretty my toes are.

ONE MORE MONTH TO GO. Well, 29 days.

Lord, save me :"-(

There's so many things going on right now, besides studies. You know one of those few things that you, yourself only understand because it is you, yourself going through it? Yeah, I'm going through one of that. I wish it was just black & white, you know? Right now, I'm left without answers and I'm...confused.

Should I search for the answer? Wait for it? Maybe it would appear unexpectedly when I least expect for it? HOW. I hate this. I hate not knowing how to do, what to do; it makes me feel hopeless. And Hope is what I really need right now. But I'm doing my best, pushing that aside as much as I try to and focus what lies ahead: SPM.

Straight A's? Honestly, no. I'm not a pessimist but me getting straight A's would be a WTF situation. Guess I'm never or never was the academic scorer kid in school. Oh well, I'll find my 'Ace' field once I enter college :) Hopefully in writing - Journalism, Creative Writing...nothing's decided. Right now, I'm trying my best to score good grades for SPM but of course, I want lots of A's! (Oh God, pleaseeeeeeeee, I don't want anything below B-!!)

"When we look back in 20 years time, we'll still be laughing like we used to and still get all those inner jokes like it was just yesterday."

Some of us won't be seeing each other after this but I'm pretty sure, none of us will ever forget each other. I'm hoping to keep my good friends as tight as now and we can all grow old together :-)

That sounds like a plan. A good, long way plan I will(God willing) achieve.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

My friend told me to listen to this and I love it :-} Not a huge fan of Taylor Swift but have to admit, she writes really good! Now, I love zis song!

Someday, I’ll be, living in a big old city,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Why you gotta be so mean?

Monday, October 11, 2010

Drowning In Myself

"You can do this!" "You have to do this!" "Nothing is impossible!"

Oh yeah? I doubt what cross your mind everyday.

Expectations. We all have expectations for ourselves, let it be for studies, work, jobs - we all have the bar set up high and say 'I'm gonna reach that bar'. As we climb up to reach that bar, we go through many types of obstacles that make a foot high bar feeling like eternity. But that's what it's all about, right? Not about how fast you reach the top but what you've been through to reach the top.

Right now, I feel so hopeless. Like a failure. 38 more days and I'm still struggling.

I expect myself to do better, to obtain a REALLY GOOD result for SPM but now...I don't know. My expectation is killing me but it's what that keeps me going. Other people's expectations like parents and teachers - how am I ever going to reach that?

38 more days.

I know I shouldn't hear what others have to say but they are right. I feel so burdened by these expectations, even burdening myself with my own expectation.

38 more days.

Can I do it? I really am not sure. All I want is to curl in my bed and cure this daily basis headache from my lacking of sleep. I worry too much, though I can't help it in moments like this when everything seem to be falling off the sky.

38 more days.

❒ Single ❒ Taken ❒ Lesbian ✔ In a contract relationship with SPM til it's over.

I need more discipline. I need some luck. I need lots of never ending work. I need HOPE right now.

Friday, October 8, 2010

You Make Me Happy :")

HEY YOU! :-)

Trial is finally over but I feel anything but glad and relieved.
SPM is on the 23rd of November so you can imagine how my mind is feeding up right. Trial just ended yesterday so I'm giving my brain a break today. Most probably I'll have 'late night dates' with my books tonight. I've been worrying so much lately that I keep having migraines for a week straight.

Panadol became my second food after coffee to keep calm and awake. Migraine is really horrible, it's like knives jabbing from inside of your head.

One of the few things I learn from trial is: 1) Last minute studying is BULLCRAP. 2) Never ever panic when sitting for an exam.

46 more days...I cannot wait for SPM to be over with. SERIOUSLY. If it was not for SPM, I would have actually enjoy my last year of school. I can't even remember any day during Form 5 when I not think about SPM.

Don't you feel thankful and bless that there are people around you who makes you happy? I really don't know what I'll do without them. It doesn't have to be those big gifts. They could just be sitting next to me or miles away, talking to me and it's more than I could ask for.

I love those people especially who actually listens to you. It makes me feel like I'm worth 2 ears to listen and a heart to understand. Okay, maybe I just like talking to people a lot. I can't help it. It depends. I can be the talker at one point and the silencer, the very next minute.

Hmm, I'm going to miss my classmates a lot after school is over :"( Even though some of them can be a real pain in the ass. Through all the bitter moments that left us estranged towards each other and hatred thrown, we still sit together in class and have those inner jokes that only us, classmates would understand.

I have a confession: Sometimes I would to people's formspring as anonymous and type - "You're so pretty!" or "You are beautiful, you know that?"

Because 98% of the formspring's comments or questions are just plain horrible and acidic. What's with all the foul languages in one sentence just because that person happened to be pretty? Happened to date your ex?

Honestly, GET A LIFE. Don't be so bitter. I write those comments because I know anyone who reads that will feel happy themselves and not think the whole world is against them. You have nothing nice to say, don't say especially through online. You have a problem, solve it face to face CALMLY. Don't start throwing chairs and your tantrums. I hate these people.

"Life can be so randomly beautiful." -
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen

Sunday, October 3, 2010