Thursday, December 15, 2011

Oh Disappointments

Lately, disappointments have been running into me; from people to things - including myself. You know that saying, "Expectations lead to disappointments", well, perhaps I expected too much. It's really quite easy to get lost in your head when the world is merely quite an illusion itself.

It's nice for a while, to create these 'expectations' in your head because just for a moment, your world feels like a wonderland. Everything seems to be going right for you until reality hits you, that is. Then you have to wake up from this wonderland of yours as reality throws its pieces back to you, inflicting the harsh truth that you tried so hard to run away from.

It sucks, really.

To realise whatever you've been hoping and expecting for will never happen, yet deep down there's still a faded hope that it will. That's why I love books. I love movies too but I really love books. I love how the moment I open it up and start reading, everything around me cease to exist. It's just me and the wonderland from the book. When I cry or laugh from what I read, it feels good. I feel like books understand me, in ways that even I could never possibly understand myself.

And I don't need to deal with disappointments in books. Sure, I get upset with some endings but when I close the book at the end of the day, I feel alright. Maybe it's because in reality, these disappointments can't be closed; they'll always be there - right in front of you. Dreams that had turned to dust and hopes that had turned into nothing.

Maybe someday, something or someone will show me that for once, these disappointments I'm facing now are worth something. I do hope that it won't be too long.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Truth

I'll never understand certain things in life.

Like why babies cry when they're born. Or why people say 'I'm fine' when they're not. I'll never understand how a person can lie for a living while some people are fighting to survive. I'll never understand whether the chicken or the egg comes first but then, does it matter? I'll never understand how some people can say they love you but end up doing all the things that says the complete opposite. I'll never understand why some girls are so into becoming a blondie with blue eyes when they're beautiful just the way they are. I'll never understand how some guys can hurt a girl so many times and still expects her to take him back. I'll never understand the notion of 'what's right for you' cause I honestly think most people are selfish nowadays. I'll never understand how can some people lead others on and just leave them hanging like it's just a sort of game. I'll never understand why do bad things happen to good people. I'll never understand why people end up leaving. I'll never understand hate. I'll never understand love. I'll never understand emotions, feeling and thoughts.

Truth is, I don't think I'll ever understand life.

These whole 'what I'll never understand' things may sound exaggerating to some but these are all the things I'll never understand -- and I don't mean in literal meanings. So maybe these are the things that aren't meant to be understood but even if there are answers to some, I still don't think I'll ever understand.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Off to Neverland!

Wow, it's been nearly 2 months since I last blogged. Sorry about that. For the past few months, it's all about exams, exams, exams, study, study, study. I swear that A-levels is killin' me :'( However, I'm having 2 weeks of holidays now! So finally, a break for me :|

This whole new journey has made open my eyes more but definitely made me miss some things a lot. Back then, they said "SPM is the most important exam". All I can say now is "How wrong were they." I'm not saying SPM is not important, it is since we need that to enter college but right now, taking my A-levels. This is the most important exam now, not SPM. Honestly, I feel that most of us are so caught up with the 'prison education' that we only know to what we listened. Before this, it was all about SPM; now it's A-levels, SAM, CPU, Diploma, etc. This also proves that it's not the end once school life is over. We keep moving and keep having different 'importance' depending which land our feet drop.

College is fun, the course is challenging and the subjects I'm taking are mostly what I can do best - writing and memorising. This is supposed to be a bliss, right? But I always find myself looking back and wondering what did it all go? I hardly see my best friends, everyone is so stressed up with getting good grades to enter university that we barely even have time to catch our breath or stop for a break.

I often find myself drowning in my own world as I lie on my bed at night. I always think of Neverland and Peter Pan coming to my window and fairy dust to make me fly. The obsession of Peter Pan of mine is not to be questioned; I always love Peter Pan and I always will. Is it the fact that he never grows up? Perhaps a little. Though it's more to what Peter Pan really shows everyone: You need to believe. When Wendy's daughter - Jane said that she does not believe in fairies, Tinkerbell nearly died. So, without believing in something, there's no way it will ever be there. Throughout the years til she became older, Wendy never stopped believing in Peter Pan and that is something I admire most about her.

Also, the need for an adventure. I can't imagine myself being confined to a boring, dull routine. Though in the world we live in today, that's hardly an option. Not only that, every morning in every newspapers, there will be news on violence - so common that we don't even react to it anymore. That is why books are the perfect escape route. They create the perfect wonderland and magic that no other can do. The sad part is at the end, we have to close the book.

We can't always have what we want but in our dreams, we can always have what we want.

*Happy Eid Mubarak, everyone!*

Friday, July 22, 2011

Never Will, Never Would

Finally, I am back to blogging after for so long. There are only 2 reasons: Time and Busy. When you combine both, it produces tiredness and stress. So it had me thinking of what I really want and what I really don't want. I don't want tiredness; I want carefree. I don't want to rush; I want more time.

I've been thinking and these are what I could get from myself:

What I Want

Flowers: They’re so pretty and nice to look at! I’ve always catch myself smiling looking at pretty flowers. Odd? I think so.

Chocolate: I’m one of those girls who choose chocolate over salad any day.

Storybooks: Now that Harry Potter has finally ended (sobs), I need a new fiction adventure to read on. I’ve already flew on broomsticks and been to Hogwarts…..wait, I don’t want Harry Potter to end! :’-(

Faith: I keep losing hope too easily. I need faith to keep my hopes and never let them go. In the world we’re living, I need both of them to live.

What I Don’t Want


Parking: I can never park my car properly cause I can’t seem to get into the right parking line!

Cigarettes: Please. Stop smoking.

Vegetables: I don’t mind fruits.

Broken promises: Don’t promise, if you can’t keep it. Don’t promise because you feel you need to. Don’t.

Those things are unlikely to happen. "Whatever you want, you won't get. Whatever you don't want, you will get." But I guess there's always a reason why we end up with things we do not want, right? Here we go again......disappointment.

But last and not least,

Saturday, July 9, 2011


I feel worried.

I feel so tired.

I feel numb.

That's all I can say.

Friday, July 1, 2011

An Actress in Life


That’s one thing all of us are pretty much good at it. Or at least, I know I am. I’m talking about denying things, not lying about things. Those two words hold completely different meaning. When I lie, I’m keeping away the truth from others. When I deny, I’m hiding the truth away from myself.

Funny thing is I do realise that whenever it comes down to things that affects me emotionally, I will merely deny (silently) to myself. I come up with endless assumptions, logics and buts’, in attempt to avoid the truth that is written down in black and white in front of me. I keep asking myself ‘why do I keep doing this to myself?’ – the only thing that could come to my mind is: to comfort myself.

Some people find comfort in eating lots of food. I don’t, because I’m already quite fat. Some find comfort in crying themselves to sleep every night. I can’t, my ego won’t let me. Some find comfort in spilling out everything to others. I won’t, I prefer to keep things all to myself.

I know those are rather negative things to be thinking but that is how I am; that is how I view, accept, believe and deny things. When I deny things, usually those that are affecting me emotionally, I will always come out with scenarios that are opposite with it. Apply the logics into work and bait myself into believing the truth that was never there.

That is until today, something happened (a really minor thing) that trigger me to so badly that I eventually slept off for 3 good hours because I was just so tired. I don’t mean the literal meaning of tired by the way.

But I’m all better now.

Back to denying and hopefully, I don’t have to deny anymore.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Something Missing?

I have this habit.

I am constantly searching for something - that I don't even know what it is. Sometimes it feels as though I'm trying to catch the wind but most of the time, I can feel it. This may sound quite like 'wtf is she trying to say here' but honestly, that's what I'm feeling most days.

I feel that something is missing. Whether that something is important or not, I can't exactly determine it. Is it a want or a need? I don't even know. But right to the core, I know that 'something' must be found. A person? An object? A vision? An inspiration? Oh God, this is making me so clueless.

Countless times, I come to a point where I lose my way and my head will filled so many thoughts - sometimes, no thoughts all. Is this a phrase that most 18 years old go through? I wish I knew. Everyone has their own battle with themselves, I just wish I knew what mine is. I find myself battling between my logic and my feelings.

Logic: Yes. No. Black. White.

Feelings: I don't know. Maybe. Should be. Pink. Blue. Orange.

If you get what I mean....

But maybe, there are just some things in life that are not meant to be searched.

Maybe, I just need to wait. And wait. (not too long, please)

Monday, June 13, 2011


We are always craving for something and most of the time; we don't even what we crave for. Are we craving for the mouth watering dessert? Or we craving for the holes in our hearts to be filled?

‘Cause I believe that no matter how much wealth, how much fame, how much things that we have; we're constantly craving for more. I used to crave for the ice-cream man on his motorbike to pass my house when I was a young kid. Now, that ice-cream man no longer passes by - I wonder what happened to him. So, my craving changed. I craved from ice-creams to chocolates; from teddy bears to earrings; from Barney to lipsticks; from colouring books to writing a blog.

Cravings change as times change, as people change, as things change. Little did we actually realise how all of these things change. It could’ve been for the best but there’ll always be a part of me wanting relive that time of what I craved most.

So what do I crave for now? Currently in 2011, I crave for chocolates, vintages, my blackberry, pretty headbands, lasagna, beaches and pretty, floral designs. These are so different from what I craved back in 10 years ago.

Time. What it does to us.

I think I might be craving for an ice-cream now.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Random Facts

1. I think pretty boys are sexy

2. British accents always get my knees wobbling *sigh*


4. Unless you were raised up in the UK, don’t use that fake accent on me. Fucking hate it.


6. Bitchy boys are the worst. (only GIRLS can be that)

7. I’m a diehard Westlife fan.

8. I only write with black ink pens.

9. Obsess with FLORAL prints and design.

10. When I was 5, I used to think singers have only one song.

11. Girls with pretty, long legs are sexy.

12. I can never do maths. Ever.

13. I love History! :’)

14. I want to marry a guy who can cook. Like really cook.

15. If I could be an animal, I would be a horse.

16. I believe cockroaches should be extinct from this planet called Earth.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Invisible Box


Not something I'm really fond of talking about. I regret some things, I miss some things but most of all, those pasts will forever remain as memories. I could cry twenty bucket of tears and pray 50 times everyday but there's nothing I could ever change.

I dislike the fact that when I'm alone in my room, all sorts of thoughts pass through my head and I can't control them. I usually make up of 'what could have been', 'what should have been', 'what happened' but like every time, I relive my favourite moments in my head. Replay, replay, replay.

Then again, there are those bitter & painful memories that will always bring tears to my eyes. Mostly, I miss the feelings that I used to have. There are times I would just give anything to relive those again because I have lost some of the feelings that made me so vulnerable.

Past memories are not something I deal with very well. I prefer to cover them up and just.....let them be where they supposed to be - memories. Kept in a box, in the back of my head. I don't open that box, it doesn't have a lock or a key; I pretend that the box isn't there but sometimes (like now) we all have to let it out once in a while.

Looking through the box, the truth is I still don't understand most of what happened. I hate the fact that most of what I get out from the box are memories that I wish would never stay. I want to vanish, burn, destroy and just never existed. The wounds that I had back then, I realised never really heal.

But it's all right. Time heals everything. I'm better than before. Getting better by the day.

Nothing can bring me down again.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Stars For Every Candle

So, I've turned 18 :)

There wasn't any special celebration, no balloons or late night partying but - I had fun. A special thanks to all my friends who made it all better, for filling the day with endless laughter and sweetness. Friends - what would I do without them?

Anyway, I just thought of something I've heard quite some time back ( a really long time actually) and I thought it was a rather amusing yet logical statement.

Someone once said, "Why do people celebrate birthdays with such joyous? Don't they know they are step closer to death with each celebration?"

My first reaction literally was 'you gotta be kidding me right?' Okay, so maybe that person does have a point (wtf?) but to say such a pessimistic statement, it's just really shocking that there are people who think of birthdays that way. I wonder what their counter statement would be for a wedding.

I agree that there always 2 sides of everything; the bad and the good. Though at the end, one side always outweighs the other. It is also the way how we interpret things and from what view we're taking. For birthdays, to most of us and to me is the celebration of life. The celebration of 'I am thankful that I am still living. I love my life.'

It's pretty eerie that someone would say 'birthday is not a celebration. As each day passes, your death gets nearer. I don't understand why people celebrate birthdays'. I find it too extreme to go to a thought that far. If you can't even celebrate your own birthday, then what do you celebrate?

I believed those people either hate life or fear life. Fear of aging. Fear of death. Hate for happiness. Hate for celebrations. Pessimistic people, I would say and I really cannot stand pessimists - it's such a TURN OFF. As much as I can't stand them, I do pity them. In all they do, they will always doubt, will always worry and never be satisfied.

We don't know when, how or where we're going to die. So, honestly why bother worrying? When it comes, it comes because these things are meant to be. Worrying won't prevent it. Fearing won't stop it. Right now, at this moment, we are living. So take that chance, every second to celebrate it!

There's a reason to celebrate birthdays. Whether you're 7, 10, 18, 33, 52, 78, 90 yeard's all about celebrating life. The day that you were born, is there really no happiness about it?

So to those who think birthdays are 'wrong' to celebrate, what are you actually living for?

Monday, May 16, 2011

The Soon-To-Be Journey.

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it." - Eat. Pray. Love. (2010)

It wasn't the best of the best movie I've seen but it was one of the movies that I would want to relive in my life. I'm not sure even why I'm posting this now but it just hit me last night.....on how badly I want to go on that life adventure. To enjoy life and take a closer look on everything around me, slower.

We all are pursuing the happiness of life, are we not? Some say that we don't have to go far in order to pursue it, it's right in front of us. I agree, to some extent. But honestly, here I am, living on Earth - there's ships and planes; I'm not just going to sit here and see til what my eyes can see.

I want to travel, up and down; high and low - seek and be amazed by every happiness I find in every part of the world. Your happiness might be different mine but it is still happiness, right?

I would want. I would love. I would die. To drop everything and travel the day.

*my destinations*






(and more and more and, everywhere!)

Until then, I will have my passport checked and an over-sized jeans ready :-)

Sunday, May 8, 2011

To That Girl,

You’re crazy.

You like classical music.

You’re short. Probably plump too.

You’re afraid of heights.

You can’t swim.

You think girls should wear sneakers more.

You feel that you don’t need a boyfriend.

You’re tall. Like a giraffe.

You have a pair of big feet.

You can’t sing well.

You can’t do splits or cartwheels.

You don’t have many best friends.

You think iPad 2 is just a thin piece of screen.

You prefer to stay at home during weekend nights.

You don’t have that silky smooth hair.

You can’t play any musical instrument.

You’re not good in Maths.

You’ve never been kissed.

You’ve never been asked out.

You always feel that you’re not good enough.

But you are good enough, for yourself. You’re talented, amazing and beautiful in your own way. You don’t have to define yourself to anybody. Nothing is wrong; things just take time to happen. Sometimes it takes a while; most of the time it happens unexpectedly. So look in the mirror and smile – can’t you see it?

The answer is right below here:

Saturday, April 30, 2011



fucking awesome.

And totally ten times better than Justin Bieber's concert. One thing I really like about Maroon 5 concert was that they, especially Adam Levine interacted a lot with the crowd. So it did not seem like a 5 men band playing on stage but a good 3,000 people rocking it out all together.


Have you noticed that today is the last day of April? 4 months have just passed by and it is almost I did not get to catch any time of it. I have never been so desperate to pause time or just make time slow down....just for a while.

It makes me miss being a kid. I miss being a single digit years old. I miss being a little girl. I miss that innocent look I had. I miss the time when the only thing I knew were laughters and tears. I miss being a kid.

Why did I want to grow up so fast? What did I find so fascinating of being a grown up as a kid? Power? Freedom? Now that I am here, I feel like going back 10 years before and tell myself - "don't grow up so fast. Don't."

I miss playing all day.

I miss laughing over petty things.

I miss crying over a bump on my knee.

I miss being carried by my dad.

I miss being cuddled by mum.

I miss playing those role-play games with my sister.

I miss when none of use judged each other.

I miss when boys and girls were just the same.

I miss watching Disney movies every now and then.

I miss when I still believe in those fairytales.

I miss being a kid.

Being a kid is wonderful

Saturday, April 23, 2011

I think I got that 'FEVER'

I am not a Belieber. I do not hate him nor do I love him. I don't cry over him because he won't follow me on Twitter nor do I tear every picture of him to pieces. I am just not a Beliber lover or a hater.

But hell yeah, I went to his concert in Kuala Lumpur. I didn't think of going to his concert at all, mainly because I don't listen to his music and I'm not a fan of him. However, my sister wanted to go to his concert - badly. So my dad decided to buy the tickets and I had to follow her. I did not know what to expect at all.

We were there an hour earlier and the crowd was already screaming and shouting, "Bieber! Bieber! BIEBER!" I thought I would go mad because every time a part of the crowd screams, everyone would get up and stand on their chairs - and every time, it's a false alarm!

The DJ got everyone warmed up first by playing some hit party songs. The lights went out and everyone, literally - EVERYONE started jumping on the ground, on the chairs! With their hands in the air and singing to the chorus of every songs. The crowd's energy was magnifying and incredible! "I say 'Justin', you say 'Bieber'....Justin!" "BIEBEEEERRRRRR!!" For the record, I didn't join shouting his name because I really couldn't scream the way the girls around me screamed :|

After a 15 minutes countdown, JB appeared. Thecrowd went wild. WILD. Like WILD. I actually laughed because I thought it was rather funny at how the crowd reacted when JB appeared on stage. I clapped when he appeared (see, I'm not that bad).

Honestly speaking, his concert was amazing. It was incredible. I did not expect that he was capable of throwing and bringing such energy to a concert. I was shocked. I was, okay! He was good live, he could sing well - which I doubted before. So Justin, hats off for you as a performer and entertainer but I am still not in love you :P but I don't hate you.

OHH! Did I mention JOEL MADDEN made an appearance too?! He sang The Anthem and OHMYGOD, that part I SCREAMEEEDDDD! Good Charlotte is hereeee! Okay, one man only but heck! It's Joel Madden! And he appeared only at the JB's KL concert!I feel so blessed :") And man, Joel could sing so well. Love the voice and the tattoos (though they kinda scare me).

The crowd sang a long the nursery rhyme 'ABC' when a slide show of JB as a kid was being played and he was singing that. Talk about awkward moment.....I wonder if we were the first crowd to ever sing along to that! Hahahaha, it was so funny but everyone seemed to enjoy singing to it.

I had fun jumping and screaming along with the crowd. It was a true concert where nobody sat down and everyone stood up and sang along and screamed for more. Even some guys with their girlfriends did that. Though, some of them gave that look of 'what-the-hell-are-you-possesed' or something look. LOL.

At the end of the day, I am glad that I went to Justin Bieber's concert. He may not come again, I mean, who knows, right? I don't have his CD and I don't have his songs on my phone but if he throws a concert again in Malaysia, I am coming again. I will!

So, next concert is MAROON 5!!! HELL YEAH! Next Friday! :D I cannot wait!

Let's pray that it would be as good or better than Bieber's concert. Hehehe.

PS. I am a big fan of Maroon 5!