Sunday, January 30, 2011

It's Just Us

The truth is we try so hard to please other people because we want them to look at us and say 'She's nice!' It may sound pathetic but honestly, look at yourself in the mirror, eye to eye - is there really not one time you did not try to do or say something, just so that the person would actually feel good and smile. We may do it unconsciously at times but most of the times, our eyes flickered as our tongues turn to do as most would say: for the best.

Read those last 3 words in 5 seconds, you'll say: "Oh please."

Read those last 3 words to someone, you'll say: "Oh no."

We are often caught between the borders of what we want and what they want. Most of the time, people would brush it off by saying, "I don't give a fuck." but when it comes down to the people we care and love for, are you really going to say that? That is when we bow down to please them, put on a mask and act like we're the happiest people on the planet. But don't you agree in a way, this a good pleasure? Though some would criticized by saying we must stand up for what we want - it is our right.

Of course, it is our right - we stand up for what we want but what we want isn't always what they want and what they want isn't always what we want. Because of this, I think that is why we always end up quarrelling with them, with both sides yelling: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. Guess what? That's the answer. Nobody understands you, completely. There will always be that 1% of you people would never truly understand or find out.

And after all the aches and tears, as mad as we may be, we feel guilty too, don't we? So that's where all the 'pleasing' starts, to avoid such breaking aches again. We live for pleasure and in turn, pleasing. To me, it's a life cycle thing. Whether it's good or bad, it really has no stand. More bad? More good? That's entirely up to you.

It's just like lying. We do it all the time.

Friday, January 21, 2011

When Life Throws Me Lemons

Guess what?
I have been attending college for 3 days now (thank God for weekends!) and so far, it's pretty cool and nice.
People here are friendly and nice. My classmates are funny and enjoyable, which gives me hope that I can get used to this new life pretty soon.
First day of college was pretty suckish though but I finally made friends.
And I have works to do already, deadline - this coming Monday. @%$!*

As much as college life seems fun and people here are really nice, I honestly believe that none of these can ever top my school days when I wore uniforms and my high school friends. Sometimes when I sit in the class(college), I can't help but to really wish that my high school friends are my classmates again or the lecturer standing in front there would be one of my high school teacher. But I've learnt countless times that nothing ever stays the same, I'll just have to accept what is happening now and make the best of it.

In plain words, those who are still schooling, enjoy every moment in school, savour it. Because once school life is over, you'll do almost anything to relive it again.

I am hoping that something wonderful will happen this year. It has been a while since anything happened and I hope this time when it happens, it stays and I get to keep it. Experiences have taught me that I have to be patient and let things happen when least expected. There's no use to keep on chasing something because in the end, we let the best things passed right beside us.

I cheated on my FEARS ,
broke up with my DOUBTS ,
got engaged with FAITH ,
and now I'm marrying my Dreams.

Monday, January 17, 2011


Have you ever just look at someone and wish you can tell them what's on your mind, but in the end, the only thing that comes out is "what I think it's the best to say"? There are so many unspoken thoughts and unspoken words, held back deep in my mind and tongue. But I guess most of the time, we have to put other people's feelings first before ours - because....we feel that is the right thing to do. No?

Maybe that's the reason why our minds are only readable to ourselves; the reason why some things are better left unsaid. So when is the right time to tell them? Is there even a right time or do we have to make the time right for ourselves? Should we tell them the blunt thoughts on our minds or should we tell them what we think is the best? Most of the time, we go on with our lives without telling any of those thoughts & words because we feel it is better that way.

Maybe it is.

Maybe it isn't.

I think all of us would have dare to tell what's on our mind, our thoughts and those tongue tied words to them if it isn't the fear of the people won't feel the same way, don't agree...or end up feeling hurt, rejected. It is because they mean that much to us, we care that much for them that we do not want to risk our thoughts & words with them. We want them to be just like the way they are with us now: happy.

In the end, as time passes by, we always, always look back and think "I wish I have done something." But the fact that we are caught in reality, living the life with so many possibilities, so many feelings and unexpected events; we end up changing the way we think and feel as we grow up. So we create the scenes in our head of "what would happen if I have done it". It is kind of pathetic when you think of it but admit it, we all do it. Every time.

So the question is, should we tell these unspoken thoughts and those words we held back so much? The truth is, I don't even know. Which is right? Haha, honestly, there's basically 'nothing is right and nothing is wrong' in this. To me, it's torn between 'what we want' and 'what is the best'.

And the thing is, we always choose what we think is the best.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Life is so unexpected. It drops things out of the sky and expect us to catch it. *DEEP BREATH*

I'm starting college next Tuesday, instead of March at Taylor's College. I'm doing my A-levels: Economics, English Literature & Sociology. Yeay! Finally, arts subject :) But it would be ten times harder than I have to brace myself for the sudden, drastic change.

But at the same time, I am so not prepared or ready. A whole new environment, new classes, new people, new lecturers - "Where are the classes?!" "Wait! Where do I go?!!" Gahh, I don't like this but I guess I have to experience it. Be independent and not to be afraid to ask when I don't know something. Sighh. I really miss high school.

Taking a step back and looking at my life now, changes are happening, whether we realize it or not. Not to say we're being ignorant about it but more of, we can't do anything about it. When we were in school, we used to see each other everyday and still so many things to talk about as each day passes. We sit side by side and panicked every time when it's time to hand in our works ;)

Now, we're working. Going to college. Taking up driving lessons. Studying abroad. Being busy. Such is life. My mum bumped into her friend after losing in touch for 10 years! And it just seemed like yesterday when my mum & I last saw her. Ten years, and that's how life just snap right in front of you.

The next thing I know, it'll be June 2012 and I'm done with college. Next, university? I can't help but to laugh when I think of this, think of how far and fast I've came. How I grew up, still growing each day without realizing that times is passing really fast. 24 hours day ends up being half of what it is with sleeping taking that up.

Whatever it is, I believe in doing what you love and not because 'my parents say so' or 'that's the IT thing'. I may not have pockets fill with overflowing cash but I'll have that overflowing joy that no price can label it.

I wish you all a nice weekend!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Looking Back

we always try to defy gravity.
defy things to stay the same.

Looking back, I would not know how to describe it. Funny? Happiness?
I don't know.

What if we could zoom into the future and see where we ended up, what happened later - maybe we could escape whatever painful memories that are buried clearly in our minds. We could see those who are truly there for us, we would know what's the better decision, we would know what to say, we would know what is bound to happen. But really, is because we don't want anything to change.

If I knew it will changed, into something that has become so foreign to me, then maybe I could avoid it. Life without aches, sadness, anger and disappointment is surely better, right? No tears, just laughter. No aches, just wonders.

So I keep on thinking about it. What if I could have avoid it. What if I was more careful. What if I was stronger. Would I still have these bitter memories?

The truth is, I'll never know. Life is filled with possibilities.

I'm closing that old chapter that I keep re-opening over and over because I keep looking back when life keeps moving forward and I'm always 2 steps behind. I'm sealing that chapter like I have sealed the others, so that, for once I can stop asking myself, 'What if?'

Looking back, I feel sad but I don't regret it.

In fact, I wish you all the very best.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Face Palm

Working is not fun. Well, working with kids. Taking care of little kids is a LOT to handle.
Never ever been so exhausted ;/ and my friend & I are assigned to care for eight 3 years olds. Oh Lord, save us!

but I guess we never stop learning, do we?

Life after SPM is great, no school and no rules but I feel something's missing. Maybe I'm not used to the idea that school is officially over for me. Maybe I miss school. I miss talking in class. School sucks (duhh) but there are those little things that make it better. What's missing? I don't know. I've got 2 months before my college starts. Hopefully I'll find what I need. Cause right now, I don't feel complete.

*I'll start to blog proper topics again*