Have you ever had a sudden flashback of the past, out of the blue? About the things you did, the things you wished you have done and the things that changed everything. A sudden wave of mixed feelings gather up inside of you and all you could think is: "Why?"
Regret. How I hate this word.
Most of the time, I regretted the things that I didn't do. I regretted the times when I left my words unspoken. Sometimes I look back and wonder, what if I have done that back, what would have been different? But it all comes to back to assumptions of what could have been in so many possible ways...and it'll always be 'what could have been'. And, it sucks. Big time.
Maybe if I had the courage back then, things would be different now. Though I have to say, nothing has really changed either right now. I'm still holding back on some things now; words, feelings and thoughts. When I can't, I try my best to push those 'disturbances' away. The truth is I'm tying to run away from myself, to get away as far as possible. Pathetic, isn't it?
Then, there are things that I regretted doing. Back then, it may have seem the right thing to do or how I felt at that time but when I took a step back and view from where I am now, I can't believe what I have did. Everything starts to flow, coming to their pieces slowly - showing me how foolish I had been and definitely, how naive I was. Whenever I take a step and move forward, I can't help but wanting to go back and make it all better. Sigh. But I know I can't. What's done is done. There's so much a person can do but I guess, that's life.
I keep telling myself "I would not repeat this ever again". Guess what? I still do, until this very moment. I would say it, I would do it but there is always seems to be a bar right on top of me, that maximize how far I can go. Still, there are things that....I can just never ever say. Those little things that I keep a secret to myself only.
It comes to a point where sometimes I cry out of the blue, when the emotions get too over-whelming. But I'll be alright the next minute with laughters and smiles, because I realized life does not wait for you - and I want to live.
And so, I live with the regrets.