This is how I want my life to be.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
If there is one word I hate more than any foul words an Oxford dictionary cannot describe, it would be the word: wait. It may seem like a plain and simple word, "I'll be waiting for you." or "Wait for me!" We all use that in our daily lives, using that word to try and keep up with others; using the word so we won't get left behind.
Wait is a strong word. Waiting is a deep word. It's funny how words like this seem so harmless but causes so aches and never ending tears. How many of you actually like it when someone says, "Yes, I know. Please wait." Of course for the first 2 minutes, you'll be alright, confident that whoever or whatever will turn up soon. After that, there comes your doubt, anxiety and confusion. How many you like it when you say, "I am waiting." You're waiting and waiting and waiting.....and waiting. When is it going to end?
There has been countless times that I am put in these situations but the waiting that I hate most is the 'silence waiting'. Nobody is telling me to wait, nor am I telling them to wait. But both sides or at least me, know that I am waiting. As I wait, a hole is dug deeper inside of me. It's not painful. It's not. It's just getting empty.
And what do I do in between waiting? Pray that it comes quick? Hope that the outcome would be as what I planned it would be? But what happens when I'm waiting and there's actually nothing to wait for anymore? Would I know? How would I know?
The thing about waiting is that it is never ending. It can go on for 5 minutes, 2 years, 10 years, 30 years and even, 'I don't know when it will end' time. As the waiting process goes on, we somehow lose track of time. We forget that time exist because we are so caught up in hoping to get what we have dream for so long. Some may say "Why wait? Take action. Do it." Easy to say, hard to do. There are just something that is not 1+1=2 but rather 0+2=2. Get it? Yes. Life is complicated like that. There is so many ways to get the number '2', just as there is so many possibilities of obstacles facing ahead of us.
What is really sad about waiting is that you'll never get healed because it is not scars that is formed but rather, a hole. A big, deep hole that is never filled. Scars could healed, slowly in time. But hole? Hole can't healed. It can't be filled in time. It just does not work that way. Most of the time, we forget that we're waiting. But when we're finally in our room, when the sound of our heartbeat is the only thing we could hear, that's when we realized over and over again, that we never stopped waiting.
Though I guess soon, we have to come in aware that not all things are worth waiting. Yes, it may be what we always wanted, what we always dreamed of. But if it's not meant to be, it is not. In life we have choices but destiny exists too. There is already a small plan for all of us. That is why Mr. and Mrs. Right came about, agree? We can wait that long because we believe that one day, we'll stop waiting and that is true. The only question is when we stop waiting, will it be a smile on our faces or will be tears and trying hard not to look back?
Pretty amazing how a common and inattentive word can bring so much meaning, stories out of it, no? But you know what's more amazing? The fact that I know what I'm talking about and I'm still waiting.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Time: Honestly, I don't even know if I'm living in time anymore. 24 hours in a day seems too short for me. If I didn't have to eat, shit and sleep; probably, more hours could be saved. I'm complaining like I'm the only one suffering. Hahaha. But yeah, I wish there was 48 hours in a day. At least, I can have a good 10 hours sleep and still have more time.
Homework: Shit. There's homework?
Friends: I couldn't ask for more. Friends from high school, we're still laughing at our inner jokes and talk like no days had passed. Friends in college, they are seriously the best yet I could have asked. There isn't a day there goes by that I won't laugh because of them. Thank you!
???: Sometimes I get the feeling I'm wrongly misunderstood. I may appear childish and a laughing machine most of the time but that's just who I am. If you can't keep up, I'm sorry. I can't change the way I am because I'm contently happy with myself.
Food: It would be so good if one day, someone would just surprise me with a bag of Famous Amos No Nut Chocolate Chips and just say, "This is for you."
Hand-phone: So I have to wait until my 18th birthday to get a new phone (which is in May). It's not the waiting that is getting at me but my SPM results :/ When it's out by end of the month and I did badly......
Just to relived 2010 again. For a while.