The truth is, I never tell anyone the complete truth. I wonder how often I tell truths in my life then. You see, it's not easy to tell a complete truth without sounding too vulnerable for your own sake or too exposed for others. As easy as the notion goes "tell the truth", I find myself fumbling and editing few words or so, maybe some comas and finding where to put the full-stop. Telling the truth is never easy.
When I was young, I was told that lying is an absolute sin in which the demons lure us away and slide out from our mouths. But what's the point of the truth when nobody listens? It slowly became a habit of routine rather than really wanting to know. Nevertheless, I figured I didn't want to be associated with the demons so I decided to tell people what they want to hear. That was an easier way.
As I grew up, changing schools, going into university -- I found that my truth can sometimes be other people's view of absurdity, condemnation, denial and disapproval. It was hard to swallow the bitter pill when someone is contaminating of what is true to you. It's like an atheist vs. a Catholic. Truth to be told, if he doesn't believe in God, so be it. If he's a Catholic, so be it. Both are true in their own views. Though sadly that's not the world we live in, isn't it? There can be only be one truth; which is both impossible and not easy.
Then again, the truth is never easy. To even look at yourself in the mirror can be tough on certain days, what more to the truth from others. You know that cliche line "what others think of you does not matter". The truth is, sometimes it does matter. Not because their opinions are worth a pot of gold but really, you'll be surprised at the truth you can find in them. I'm no referring to your body weight or clothing styles but of what they see in you that you've been in denial of.
But the truth is never easy. Then again, how much truth do you think I've written?
Friday, December 28, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Shit. Yes, that's my first word in my mind while writing this post after a good 3 months hiatus. It's good to be back -- writing. That's the thing about writing though, no matter how long you stop or tell yourself "you know what, I'm done writing", you'll find yourself creeping back, itching to write for words and when you do, it's almost like catching up with an old friend.
I was in the bookstore today and I swear I was squirming like a little kid, finding the books I wanted. Sheesh. I still can't find the books I really want, which is really depressing. You know how you really want that pants but find out there's no size for you? Yeap. That's it.
So here's the list of books I've been searching for high & low:
1. The Book Thief - Markus Zusak
2. The Fault in Our Stars - John Green
3. The History of Love: A Novel - Nicole Krauss
4. Peter Pan - J.M. Barrie (like the real story, not the kid's section book)
5. The Boy in Stripped Pyjamas - John Boyne
The books received amazing reviews, so I'm really tempted to read it. As for now, I'm still reading Jane Eyre. I know! I'm slow but god, law degree is as challenging as it is. Taking up so much time in my life. When they say you have to write and read a lot, they do mean A LOT. But it's going well for me, I guess -- though it's stressful. Really hoping things would go well next year.
I can't help but feel I don't belong here. My presence feels sore, sometimes it's miserable, other times it feels numb where I couldn't even care what's going on.
But I'll save that for the next post. (yes, I'm coming back)
Friday, October 26, 2012
Sometimes I'll be sitting down in a room crowded with people and think, "what's wrong with me?" It's that stinging feeling I get, quite similar to finding a prick in your finger. The feeling of you don't belong there but yet, you are in there. I just get that feeling that I don't belong here. There are times when I feel like I'm the one who's normal and everyone else is just fragment of another universe. Lil' bit extreme, I guess but well, yeah.
It's like reading a book. They may say "Oh, it's a wonderful book. I like the plot." But I don't see it that way. I see parts of myself in there, the friends I made, the places I've been. When some had only graze on its cover, I went layers by layers until I wasn't sure which layer I was in anymore. I really didn't mind though, being in those layers. It was comforting. It kept me in company when I felt alone.
What I'm trying to say is, I feel most of the time that the people around me are standing few feet higher than me. Not literally, though. They get to see the sun, the sky and people around them while I get to see the dirts under the rocks, midnight stars and being alone. I did contemplate about taking a ladder and climb my way out or shouted just to be heard....but I decided against it. I did not want to be a prick in a finger anymore.
"All of a sudden I didn't fit in anywhere. Not at school, not at home....and every time I turned around, another person I'd known forever felt like a stranger to me. Even I felt like a stranger to me."
I swear, I swear, I swear it's so tough at times. I feel so left out. The desperation of meeting some mind that's similar to mine almost seems impossible. Perhaps I'm just being too hard on myself. But it's so hard when to tell people some things because you know they would not understand; not that these people are shallow or whatever, just that, I know they won't understand.
But I'm alright. Just finding my place, that's all.
Friday, October 5, 2012
I feel so bad for abandoning my blog this long. Makes me depressed too. As odd as it sounds, if I don't write, I get depressed. Pretty much how others express through singing or screaming their lungs out, I like to crap out in one long ass post because unlike screaming, I like to collect and keep whatever crap I have.
Anyway, life's been good so far! But stressful. Assignments are building up. Assessment is coming up. Uni application need to be filled soon. I'm having the roller coaster of my life -- just hoping that the seat belt stays put and I won't get flung out any time soon.
Pretty much settled down already but I still find it hard to make friends. As kiddy as it sounds, it's true. Not that I'm being unfriendly or picky, just that, well, let's just say I like to keep my circle small. It's nice to have lots of friends -- to hang out with, laugh about and having the security of a group. But the thing is, I want to meet new people. I don't just mean strangers, "new" as in a different person with different taste, different mindset, different being; something that I've never encounter before. I want something new.
I'm not sure about you but most people to me appear to be grey. They look the same. They're nice and friendly but they're the same. It's not a problem, don't get me wrong but the thing is, I don't feel like I'm grey. I'm never grey. I change colours. Sometimes I would be pink. The next day, yellow or the next second, I'll be green. And I stick out like a sore thumb, unable to blend in the grey colour because I'll just mess it up. I will still mingle around the grey but I can't blend it, I can't mix my colour with theirs. I change too much and I like change.
Swear to God, most of the time, I think I'm the one with the problem here.
Well, sometimes. Because most of the time, some people just need to be high five with a brick across their faces.
P.S. Growing up doesn't make sense.
Friday, September 14, 2012
I like change. I like the idea of trying something new and doing something different.The idea that I'll always be moving constantly but not monotonically. I just enjoy the thrill of experiences and adventures. It's wonderful.
I like reading. I like the idea of travelling in my own world. The fact it's the cheapest vacation that anyone can afford. I like words, big and small words. I like big books. I like people who love reading books.
I like surprises. I like the idea of the other person not knowing what is bound to happen to them. How someone takes the trouble, knowing what the person likes and dislikes and pulls up something that will be memorable. I just like thoughtful people.
I like honesty. I like the honesty in truths and innocence. That you trust me enough with your secrets, dreams and fears. That I could see your innocence in the way you eat, talk, sleep and how you get excited over a TV show you just watched. I like to be trusted.
I like having my alone time or with my friends and family. I believe in having alone time. I can't be expected to always be surrounded by people, nor does anyone else. I need time for myself. My solitude.
I like discovery things. Food, music, books, facts or things I thought I have lost. And when I discover them, they sort of feel priceless. Something that triggers in me -- a memory or feeling and that's how I'll always associate myself with them.
I like listening. To people and myself. I listen, through my eyes and ears. Like how someone smiles with their mouth and not their eyes. Or how someone says one thing but does another thing. I like how we are so contradicting most of the time but insist with all the rights and rules we do for ourselves.
But most of all, I like being treated right. I like being prioritised. It sounds selfish but I don't expect much, not to be the center of someone's universe and you rotate around me. Heck no. That'll be too pressuring, I can't do that. I need to revolve around other things and other people as well. All said, it's really simple and nice to know your someone's priority. But sad to say, we're never good at this, are we?
Friday, August 31, 2012
"There are two people you'll meet in your life. One will run a finger down the index of who you are and jump straight to the parts of you that peak their interest. The other will take his or her time reading through every one of your chapters and maybe fold corners of you that inspired them most. You will meet these two people; it is given. It is the third that you'll never see coming. That one person who not only finishes your sentences, but keeps the book."
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
For two days in a row, this is what was all over the headlines:
"RAPIST'S FUTURE SAVES HIM FROM JAIL"
Seriously? Come on.
Shufei did a lovely and oustanding summary of the whole cases and Acts. Please read her post first. (just click on her name).
So these are the short summary of the cases:
1) A three-judge panel at the Court of Appeal unanimously ruled on Thursday to release ten-pin bowler Noor Afizal Azizan on probation in the statutory rape case, overturning a lower court's decision to jail him.
In his decision one of the three judges agreed with Noor Afizal's lawyer that, according to national news agency Bernama, "public interest would not be served if Noor Afizal was sent to jail as he had a bright future".
2) An electrician was today bound over for three years on a RM25,000 good behaviour bond after being convicted of raping his then 12-year-old girlfriend, twice last year. In handing down the sentence, sessions court judge Nisa Abdul Aziz said Chuah Guan Jiu, 22, is still young and has a bright future ahead of him.
“According to the probation report, he does not have a criminal background,” she said adding that he was not highly educated as he had dropped out of school in Form Two. Moreover, the court had found that the sexual act was consensual between Chuah and the victim, and he had not tricked her into the act.
First of all, how is not jailing them will serve the public interest? The judgement mentioned that the rapists are remorseful and regretted what they did. Fair enough. But law is law. No point crying over a spilled milk. Can they undo what they did? No. What you did is what you get. That's the law -- you cannot escape from it. However, in these cases, it was cited that because both have a "bright future" ahead of them and it will only do them and the public good by "binding them" over some thousands ringgit.
Since when money became the only medium to resolve statutory rape?
In fact, the law in Malaysia states that even IF the woman gives into consent, however if she is underage (16 years old & below), it is still considered statutory rape. One of the case, the then 22 years old electrician raped his 12 years old girlfriend. TWELVE YEARS OLD. How can you take a 12 years old's consensual to have sex as legal if even at the age, she is still not legal to marry yet. Well, unless the guy had asked permission from the girl's parents to have sex with her, then fine, I have no qualms over the ruling. Furthermore, he not only raped her once but twice by luring her from not going to school. What did he get? RM25,000 binding for 3 years of good behaviour. Heck. If I was him, I'd be happy enough.
And for the bowler's case, the girl did not complained and the incident was only surfaced when her father read one of her dairy's entry. He co-operated and surrendered. Fair enough but I'm sure he is not the first to co-operate with the police and definitely won't be the last. And a BRIGHT FUTURE because he's a national bowler?
Let me say this. EVERYONE HAS A BRIGHT FUTURE. It depends on whether you WORK FOR IT. If you know your action might jeopardise your future, then why do it?
And just because someone is under-educated, doesn't give that person as an excuse to allow him to break the law. In fact, I'm pretty sure we can find younger drop outs whose behaviours who far better than this. So please, don't stereotype people.
I know I'm not a lawyer or a judge in these cases but I wonder if the judges actually thought of the consequences of their judgement. Letting these rapists escaping jail sentences because they have a bright future and are remorseful. And have they ever thought about the victims or OTHER victims of rape who are now hiding behind closed doors because they are now fearful, knowing no matter what, their rapists won't be put behind bars.
Yes, the judge from one of the cases mentioned that their verdict shall not be precedent and the ruling of future cases should be judged by their own facts separately. Regardless of it being a precedent or not, it WILL influence future cases and change people's view towards statutory rape. Have the judges ever took into considerations of the public outrage? How is letting these rapists off would benefit society? Please explain this to me because I really am confused.
Indirectly, this is telling the victims of rapes and women that it is their fault that they get raped. That it is their fault for being born as a girl. Or their dressings which might arouse some men. Well, let me tell you this. Women are born to have breasts and vagina. God created them. You got an issue with these being too sexy? By all means, talk to the Creator because I'm sure He'll have an answer for you.
So instead of telling girls not to go out at night, why don't we teach boys to behave better?
Isn't that supposed to be the way? Equality.
I agree, both sides should be blamed when it's in the case of consensual rape but in these cases, the men completely walked out. What about future rapes? Are you just going to say "Oh no, it's not his fault. I'm sorry, he has a bright future so he's not going to jail."
A lie is a lie. A rape is a rape. You can't just dodge the law when you feel like it. The parliamentary acts are there for a purpose, aren't they so? Even if the judges want to overrule their decision or change the current law, at least think of something more sensible and beneficial. Maybe if it's consensual rape, depending on their ages, jail them both. Or something like that. Like I said, I have no legal position or whatsoever but I am speaking from the view as a citizen and the public. We want justice and fairness; and not some bolehlah cam tu attitude. Nobody goes above the law.
"Let me get this straight – it is illegal to love someone of the same gender as you, publicly make out with your boyfriend even in a deserted area with nobody around. But it is perfectly fine to rape a minor as long as they are 'willing' (why, did she show you the 'my body is ready' gif on tumblr?) as long as you stand a chance of having a 'bright future'? " - Shufei
Seriously, this thing, two cases consecutively is losing my faith in this country's legal system. They can go on and on how haram (illegal) it is for a Muslim to drink alcohol and intended to jail one of them for 6 months. However, when it comes to statutory rape which I'm sure it's illegal in Islam too, they can use "bright future", "no coercion" as valid reasons not to jail them.
Hypocrites, I tell you.
Monday, August 27, 2012
The thing about holidays is that you'll either enjoy it or dread it. Too bad, there's no such thing as 'summer' here. If there is, I'm pretty sure things would be a whole lot different. Let me get this straight. I love holidays but long holidays make me restless and rusty. I rather head back to college and study in class. Seriously.
Like I said, I love holidays. I get to spend time on my books and writing. The only part I hate about college and school is exams. Otherwise, I love learning. Cool facts you learn, new theories and knowledge. (I know, so melodramatic)
Anyway, that's not my point here. I just had to ramble it out.
So, during my restless time of my holidays, I've thought up of my bucket list . You know, that list which sits in a bucket? HAHAHAHA omg that's gotta be the most pathetic joke ever told (yes, I am very restless now) I don't have a time limit for my bucket list. Guess it's too early to set a timer on it but whenever it happens, now or 15 years later, I hope it happens.
QM's Bucket List
1. Have a pet cat.
2. Have water balloon fights with my friends.
3. Get another piercing. (Where? Not sure yet)
4. Dye my hair in funny colour. By funny, I mean "one of the rainbow" colours.
5. Euro trip with my friends. (before either of us get married -- if we ever do get married)
6. Travel the world with my other half. If not, with my cat.
7. Rock climbing. At a mountain.
8. Spend one entire day shopping without caring my budget.
9. Eat chocolate-related food for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
10. Camp fire by the beach.
11. Go on a road trip all by myself.
12. Going out at night and coming home at 6am.
13. Have a mini-library in my future house.
14. Celebrate Christmas where it's winter and it's snowing.
15. See a shooting star.
There's more but I could only think of these 15 things at the moment. Crazy, no? I'm pretty sure most of us want to do some of those things above. We're just constrained by money, time and place right now. If I had the money, older and not living with my parents - I should be able to cross out a few things off my list already. But no rush. I prefer not to think I'm growing up. Instead, I like to think I'm changing. Because as time passes, I change. I don't believe the idea of growing up.
So I hope I get to do those things! No matter how pointless, impossible and common they may seem.
And now, back to munching on moi chocolate bar....
Saturday, August 25, 2012
So lately, I've been obsessed with daises. Yes, the flower daises. My tumblr blog is literally filled with them. So lovely, aren't they?
Then again, I'm obsessed....in love with other flowers too. And gardens.
For the last photo, I feel really drawn towards it. This shadowy garden that looks so cover up and mysterious. It reminds me of Alice in Wonderland. If you really look at the picture, it seems as though there is a "door" at the end there waiting for you. It feels like the place where you can get away from reality, a step into wonderland. It's so goddamn beautiful. Even without flowers.
Omg, can someone pleaseeeee take me there? Please, oh please.
I'll marry you.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
1. The absolute sweetness of drinking water after being so thirty.
2. Laughing out loud until your tummy hurts while watching some YouTube video.
3. Curling up like a burrito in your blanket.
4. Drinking hot chocolate.
5. Eating a chocolate bar.
6. Waking up and realize you still have more time to sleep.
7. Being at a concert. Sweating, jumping and singing (screaming) at the top of your lungs in a crowded crowd.
8. Jumping on your bed.
9. Having a private concert in your room or in your car, with the music on its highest volume.
10. Singing along stupid, catchy pop songs with your friends.
11. Drinking coffee in the middle of the night.
12. Taking your heels and bra off after a long day. (pure fact)
13. When a song you haven't heard in ages plays on the radio.
14. Watching your favourite childhood movies and still react the same way as you did during your first time watching it
15. When people remember little things about you that you didn't know.
16. Reading a really good book and when you're finished, you feel like you have lost a friend. (I know it doesn't sound like a best moment but somehow, it does feel so-- in a way)
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Some days, I get moments of flashbacks, usually memories that I missed while others quite painful but always resurfaced because just like happy memories, those are when I felt most. Saying that, I was having a conversation with my best friend in the car about 'Forgive and Forget'.
I know that some of you would go FORGIVE BUT DON'T FORGET. Others, quite persistent ones would press to not forgive and never ever forget. I have a confession: no matter how mad I get, no matter how much I cry and get hurt along the process, no matter how I swear that I'll hate that person forever -- I end up forgiving silently and forgetting without realising. Some may say that I'm weak and fragile. It's alright, perhaps in your perspective I am such a person but to me, it's a burden that I would much let go off. Yes. I cried. It was horrible. But is anything going to change after that? Most of the time, no.
I had one major fight with my best friend once (not this best friend I had a conversation with. By the way, it's ex-best friend now) It was a big but simple fight. She was lying to me big time. It was cool at first but when she denied it over and over, let's just say I lost my top and that was the end of it. I moved away and next thing I know, when facebook was invented, she added me up. I thought "HOW DARE SHEEEEE!!!" but after a while, I realised that I was no longer mad at her. It has been so long that I've actually forgotten the fight. With that, I accepted her friend request. But we didn't talk. Not once. It's been few years now. And to be honest, it's alright. No hard feelings at all. I concluded that I was no longer mad at her. I have forgave her and forget about the whole bitter thing between us but -- the fact is, I didn't need her anymore.
Call me harsh but that's how I move on. That's how I cope with things, with people, with life. I find out what I need and what I don't need. There's no silent hatred or ill feeling but I just have nothing to say anymore. What we had is history and you can't change the past. Of course, it is painful to let go of things that meant so much to you but I learned that eventually, you will find out what's best for you. No matter how pretty or nice something may be, if it doesn't make you happy, if it makes you think "why am I still doing this?", can I suggest that it's time for you to let go.
Forgive all the stupid things that hurt you. Forgive that it didn't turn out the way you've wanted it to be. Forgive that it made you cry and hurt every ache of your soul. But most of all, forgive yourself. Forgive for being naive and blind. Forgive.
Then forget. And I don't mean for you to wake up one day and decide that you want to forget straight away. It takes time. Time heals all wounds. Don't force yourself. Just let it be and believe me, it works.
And when you do, you realise that you can actually live with something you thought you needed. It's all part of life, you get hit down, get up back. Cry a little, whine a little, scold yourself for being clumsy, then get up.
Look at this way, every fault and ache you go through will lead you closer to something you've always been dreaming of. Have faith.
'Til then, have a great weekend! :)
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
I swear it seems I'm having a roller coaster ride of emotions. It's like PMS-ing between intervals. Probably it's due to the fact that A-level result is coming out this coming Monday. *cringes*
Okay. Stop that thought. What comes, comes. There's nothing else to do other than to accept whatever the grades are. I'M STILL FREAKING SCARED THOUGH :( :( :(
I'm scared about a lot of things.
I'm scared of snails and cockroaches. Or anything that has more than four legs.
I'm scared of heights but I love the thrill of roller coaster (love-hate relationship)
But what I'm really scared of is uncertainty.
Actually I'm not quite sure of whether I'm scared or having a hatred towards uncertainty, but the latter seems to be too certain for such a word. The future is not written, what I am about to write is not yet written as well (for you, it's the past already) but what happens when you completely have no directions at all? It seems scary at first, but soon, that fear changes to anxiety. You're contemplating if you should turn left or take a few steps forward. The obvious answer would be "go forth" but that's the problem, I'm not sure whether I'm facing the forth road or the back road. It's all foggy.
I guess one of the many reasons why some of us are scared of uncertainty is because we have this scenario in our heads of what our lives would be, the events that would take place. Unfortunately, we learn again and again that it doesn't work that way. The only time when we can control our lives would be when we can control time -- that I believe.
I agree though, it's all part of life itself. When you lose yourself, you'll find yourself. And when you find yourself, you know what you deserve.
Perhaps most of all, though, you deserve to be okay.
Nevertheless, whatever that we want or desire, I believe at the end of the day, we deserve the best. The best of the best. Not second best. You deserve the best because you are the best that you could possibly ever be. So I tell myself again and again, when I get my PMS-ing days and lock up in my room the whole day that I deserve it simply because I'm just not feeling good today; I'm not depressed. I can't always be happy and that's alright. It's not the end of the world. There's always tomorrow.
You deserve to be happy just existing and not constantly holding yourself up to a standard of fake smiles and forced cheerfulness. You deserve to not beat yourself up when you do not reach perfect acceptance of your body, your personality, the love you receive, or anything else that may come your way. Though you should know that you are worthy of these things, learning to be happy just in a kind of stasis with yourself is a long process, and you should know that we are all working on it. You deserve to live through all of your emotions, all of your states of motivation, and know that as long as you are treating everyone with kindness (including yourself), you have nothing to be ashamed of.
PS. This is to die for!!! D:
Saturday, August 4, 2012
HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY SHARANYA!
I vaguely remember you writing a birthday post for me, so it's only right and willing of me to write a post about you :)
Anyway, to my readers, let me tell you about my friend, Sharanya.
I have known Sharanya for a good 5 years now. I met her during form 3 when I moved to Shah Alam but ironically, she wasn't the first person I know (which is why I'm married to Ina). And you know what's her reason? Because she's a snob. HAHA just kidding :P Nah, she's actually a very cautious person. It takes her a while to really be sure about a person but once you get to know her, you have a friend for life :)
One thing you must know about Sharanya. She's a debater -- like serious shit debater. She travels overseas and competes in international tournaments. Awesome, isn't it!? I've never seen quite a debater like her who seems to do it so naturally in utmost perfection. We debated together in high school. A team consisted of her, Ina and I -- and she always, always ended up as the third speaker because she's just so good that she could whip all the other speakers from the opposing team. Like a boss!
She has a thing for purple as well. Purple wall. Purple hair. Purple bag. Purple skirt. Purple eye. Purple grape. Purple me. Purple you. Okay, crapping. Sorry haha. OH! And she has AMAZING EYES D: So, *clears throat* any takers out there? Just leave a comment in this post and I'll get back to you k?
Hahahaha look what I've been writing.
But what I really want to say is, she is an amazing and extraordinary individual. She's the kind of person that you can count on no matter, regardless of the situation you're stuck in. You can talk and laugh with her for hours without realising that hours have passed. But I think the best part about Sharanya is that no matter what life hurdles in her way, she never retorts back with hatred. This may sound cliche but she is one of the nicest and kindest people I've ever known and sometimes I wonder how she does it; and that's pure fact.
It's not easy to find someone with whom you can talk nonsense, do the silliest things, go "hunting", stalking in malls, stalking on the internet, make life-long plans and most importantly, for accepting exactly the way you are. So from the bottom of my heart, I thank you, Sharanya for being such a wonderful friend and I couldn't be more glad that you were born 19 years ago on this date.
Have a wonderful birthday and many more to come!
I love you loads long timeeee.
|Tan Sze Yan|
MY WIFE :D
PS. Next up, these two people are leaving really soon :(
So be prepared for some emo posts from me
Monday, July 30, 2012
I just spent 50 minutes of my life watching this AMAZING 'LORD OF THE RINGS' SYMPHONY.
Stumbled upon it by accident and I instantly drowned in it. Makes me want to be at Middle Earth so badly. Sigh. I absolutely love Lord of the Ring's soundtracks, they are so mesmerising. Oh, please don't kill me for this but I actually prefer LOTR than Harry Potter. I do love Harry Potter! I love magic and Hogwarts but well, I have a "thing" for high fantasy novels and I have never seen any more higher fantasy than LOTR. A standing ovation for the late J.R.R. Tolkien!
On a random note, I thought of listing things that I have a "thing" for. That "thing" which pulls every wire in your brain because you cannot help but to fall in love with it.
Insanely the best dessert/snack ever. You can eat it with breads, milkshake, ice cream or just pure chocolate bar. YOU CANNOT HATE CHOCOLATE and the excuse of 'it has so many calories!!' Bitch please. Have you not heard? Chocolate aids in the cure of depression and stress. But for me, chocolate is the cure for anything.
2. Old Books
They sort of have this deep and rich aura, something that can only be obtained after a long time. They look so precious and beautiful. Especially those hard covers, with faded colours, printed-in words and most of all, the smell. Ohmygod, closest thing to heaven.
Big, huge, flowery gardens. With secret doors. Secret pathways. A swing made of wood. Somewhere I can create and escape into my own world. A mixture of garden from Alice in Wonderland and The Secret Garden. Lots of flowers crawling around the walls and above the ceiling (if there's any). I can spend forever there.
CATS ARE SO FLUFFY. *dies*
I really have a "thing" for clothes. Most girls do, I guess. And I don't mean I have a thing for clothes just because I'm a girl. Like how some people have a thing for gadgets, clothes are personal to me. A form to express and feel good about myself. The best part about clothes is matching different pieces of them up and creating different outfits. The worst part about clothes is, well, money. *cries*
Need I say more? The word of it justifies everything that comes with it. Waves. Sands. Clear sea water. Blue skies. Sunrise. Sunset. Wind. Freedom.
7. Polaroid Photos
Almost give the same vibe as black and white photos. But polaroid photos seem more personal because they are collect-able, snap at an instant and a memory is made -- literally. If I had a polaroid camera, I'll be snapping away and pasting every photo on my wall. (Yup, I have a "thing" for pasting photos on room walls)
P.S. I have a "thing" for elves as well. If I could, I would be one -- inspired by LOTR and Eragon.
(I am so highly intoxicated with high fantasy right now)
Monday, July 23, 2012
Fasting month has begun! Hopefully I'll be able to shade few pounds but the cravings I get while fasting is itching my salivary gland :S Disgusting, I know. Anyway, I've watched Spiderman AND Batman. And this is what I can conclude: Batman > Spiderman. Sorry for all Spidey fans but Batman this time owned it. Hands down.
But that's not what really intrigued me, though the bike was sickkk. I have to admit. I completed reading Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami and to be honest, I couldn't comprehend whatever I read out of it. It took me a while. In fact, a very long while. The whole time I was reading it, I felt disturbed (as what Shufei told me) I could not understand or figure out what Kafka was doing, or his dad's prophecy was all about or Nakata and his ability to talk to cats or eels falling from the sky or the stone. When I read the last paragraph, I was dumbfounded because I still could not figure out what Murakami was trying to tell me - his readers. So I put on hold, writing this post and reflected back all the pin points in the book.
And this is what I got out of it. I shouldn't have been reading, taking the words, forms of events, thoughts of the book literally - because it doesn't make sense, not at least in reality. It's a metaphor. The whole book is a metaphor. It's talking about something by referring it to another thing. The prophecy. The music. The forest. This metaphor that took place in the book, I believe it refers to our own interpretations. What I see in you is different from what you see in you and vice versa. The whole idea of this metaphor lies in our communication through language - words, our understanding of something in terms of something else. What I understand could be understood as interpreted by another person, who in turn is interpreted by another person. Basically, what I could grasped from it is that we all live in this cyclical sets of interpretations. I make sense of you and you make sense of me. And if I can't make sense of you, well, you're basically viewed as normlessness (pulled it out of Sociology, haha)
The whole talking to cats and Johnnie Walker who kills cats in order to collect their souls -- some may ponder is Nakata mad? If Johnnie Walker is the person that Nakata said he is, then why Kafka, his own son saw nothing but a stone faced father who couldn't pay much attention to him?
What I viewed out of this is that us as human beings are also conscious beings. In any relationships and interactions that we connect by sigh and touch, we are constructing all these events and objects in front of us. Johnnie Walker is real -- feels real since the Nakata actually did kill him and his body was found by the police. But on the other hand, Nakata's experience with Johnnie Walker is a different thing. It was constructed by his mental state. His talents of talking to cats and the Stone as well are simply viewed as features of his consciousness. Thus, he could see and hear things that are out of this world. And honestly, I'm trying my best to put my thoughts into words but I'm sensing I may be sounding like Nakata. But I did my best okay!!
I did few research and found a splendid review on this book, too. Here's an extraction:
So who you are to me is a choice I make, not you. And how I choose to interact with you is based on how I believe my conscious experience will progress based on that interpretation. If I do something because I believe it will make you happy, it is because making you happy is somehow in my self interest, something I desire, and why I think it will make you happy, and who I think you are, is all part of my consciousness, with no necessary relation to reality (i.e. – it might not actually make you happy, because I could be wrong about you). If I write a letter to you bearing all to get something I need off my chest, it is the process of writing the letter that was important, it was getting it off my chest that was important. How you respond to it and whether you even read it, is not something I can control, but I used you as a vessel to go through a certain process (this is an example from the book). And so similarly, throughout this book you see characters choosing to view people in certain ways, choosing to interact with people in certain ways, imposing their own metaphors on the world that they are interacting with. It is filled with people doing things, kind acts, for other people, not *for* the other people, but for themselves, for their own reasons. Objects of our consciousness are like vessels for a process of self growth (ideally). And it is only when the main character of the story realizes the truth behind choice, consciousness, and metaphor that he is able to complete the journey he is on.
I think Kafka on the Shore isn't just a story. It's more than a story, like a story within a story (just like Narnia) The whole book touches on relationships with humans and nature, interpretations between the self, love and friendships. It talks and circles a lot on consciousness. So, most of the time when you're reading it, you're not able to construct out of your mind the things that you've read. But I believe that Murakami intended that. For us to read and see things by our own interpretations and of course, by metaphorically.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Somethings really pisses me off. Annoys, irritates the hell out of me. I'm going to spill one today. And that being when some people try too hard to sound and act better. Wiser. Smarter. More matured. The fact is, you know in your guts when someone is trying to pull a King Solomon on you and in the back of your mind, you're going 'oh, fuck you'. Or it could be just me. *shrug*
I've seen it in some people, who try to sound noble and older by telling and doing things that do not quite comprehend with themselves. Generally, it feels more to as though they are doing this, in an attempt to justify their actions and thoughts in certain things, rather than 'this is just the way I am'. They give excuses for themselves. Say one thing and do another. And it, well, turns me off completely. But it turns me off mainly because they not only convince themselves but to others as well, to justify and construct an image for others to see them in the way they intend to.
Hey, don't find excuses for yourself. It is one of the many downfalls that make us dwell on the same thing over and over again. As many colours as there may be in this world, some things will always remain in black and white. It sort of represents simple principles in life - you can't simply mix them together and become grey nor can you add another colour in. Don't try to be smart.
Just wrap this concept around your minds, nobody likes fake people. Yup, that's the word. Fake. In front of a camera, one could be fake in whatever the script tells him/her to but sweetheart, this world isn't your stage or podium. Nor does the world revolves and tilts according to your seasons. Don't be fake. It's really, really that annoying and unoriginal. Opps.
Nobody needs to listen to your self-written script. Because honestly, it is that bad.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
I like flowers. I like them, big or small, pale or colourful - even those with thorns, although they seem to imply something powerful about them but they are still flowers; delicate and fragile. I like flowers. They seem as though they are always laughing silently. You can't hear them but you can feel them, the vibe when you hold one in your hands seem untouchable, like you're scared with one wrong move, the petals that rotate around its beautiful membrane would be crushed. Even the smell of flowers, oh my, aren't they lovely. You can stay in a meadow of flowers and breathe in the smell that cleanses not only your lungs, but your soul and mind.
No, I don't like flowers because they look pretty. That's judgmental, to based on looks. No way, it's much more than that. You see, flowers are more than just pretty little things. They are always, always looking happy.
"Someone in India once told me that flowers are the earth laughing." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
What would I not give to still feel (I said feel, not look) pretty and happy after a stormy day? What would I not give to be able to make others happy just by the sight of me? There's no need for splash of cash or a flight to Paris - you have flowers, that's all you need. Though sad to say, little things are pretty much overlooked, not giving the attention which should be given.
"Stop and smell the roses."
Stop and appreciate those little things.
You know how others vouch for peace, love and all those humanitarian stuff? I think instead of pasting up posters and campaigns with boring talks, people should just shoot flowers in the air and flood the entire street with petals of flowers. Make the street into a field, bloom like tulips, cheerful like sunflowers, lovely like roses and happy like daises. Flowers in its most delicate, overlooked and simplest form brings happiness.
It's a natural gift from mother Earth, something from her womb - the purest thing that we could ever find and give and receive from anyone. Kind of makes sense why we always give bouquet of flowers during parties, graduations, weddings and birthdays, doesn't it?
God. I just love flowers. Such pretty little thaaangs.
Friday, July 6, 2012
I've finished reading The Great Gatsby, King of the Sea by Dina Zaman and The Wife by Rosmini Shaari. Never felt so productive! The Great Gatsby is a classic, set in the jazz era -- wonderful book but it made me flinched so many times. The former are local books but truly, you'll be surprised at how it is written, very close to reality happening right here. Especially The Wife. Worth reading.
So I'm currently reading Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami!
I know. Such a slow reader but I have more time now :D
Then, Norwegian Wood, A Tale of Two Cities and Great Expectations are up next! Hmm. But I'm still craving for John Green's books. Oh! And Book Thief.
Argh. That's the problem with books (or the lover). No matter how many books you have -- or still unread, you always want more.
Monday, July 2, 2012
I've never been a person who wears her heart on her sleeve. It's the one thing that makes me stir in my seat when someones display their hearts to me. Literally I could my eyes darting back and forth, stomach cringing inwards and an uneven smile creeps on. Put it simply, I'm an introvert person. Discussing about feelings is really not my cup of tea. Too much emotions makes me uncomfortable, it gets overwhelming and unsettling.
I was just talking to my friends about it today and they too, agreed and understood about it. You know it. I know it. Okay, that's good enough.
I'm really not the kind of person who sends a text to my friends: "Goodnight! You're my BFF okayy. I love you ♥"
I'll just text: "Eh bitch, where are you?"
Admit it, it takes more love to call someone a bitch and for them to reply: "I'm on the wayyy!"
Not going to lie, I do have great friends and really couldn't ask for me. It's nice to know that there are people who care for you, who love you despite how imperfect you can be on some days. But I'm really not an expressive person who will tell others - my family and friends how much they mean to me. I won't go hugging and telling people that every time I see them. To let them hear the replayed words every time, it kind of loses its essence after some time.
That's another story though.
I don't fancy hearing all these sweet things - because I don't see the point of it. Truthfully, my eyes roll at times. Once in a while, it's fine I supposed but too much of self-displaying is just going to kill. Like after hearing something too many times or staring at a word too long, you start to question its credibility and the truth that it holds. To put all those words into actions are sufficient enough to me. That's what I hope most, that others would know that I care about them by discovering themselves and not by the heart on my sleeve, and I rather discover how others care for me because not everyone is going to love you the way you want them to. But it still counts.
But what's most important is not how you express it, that's what I've learnt. Weighing all the methods and ways to do it, the length of words, the subtle of actions; in all of what's to be said and done, if you can get what you intend across clearly, then it's good enough.
"Out of every ten words, believe in one word."
And you'll eventually discover those who only talk and those who actually walk.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Have you ever wonder what if this whole world is just a made-up? This life happening around us is actually fragmentation of our thoughts and we could actually be paralysed in a confinement - where we have no control of how we are living. The idea that this whole ideology of what we have been taught and brought up with are actually nothing. So mind fucking, isn't it.
I guess what I'm trying to come forth with is that life is complicated, as simple as it seems. By God, if only we could see the battles that we face everyday, every second in our lives. I bet that if we do, we would be traumatised to take another breath in. I'm not referring to those 'seen' battles in Iraq where it gains world headlines, instead battles that everyone faces - the 'unseen' ones. Plato once said, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Truth to be told, we are constantly fighting everyday, within ourselves and at ourselves. We all seem to be at a little war with ourselves. I don't believe we are made up of only one 'self', we are made up of so many 'self' which causes this war of 'I' against 'I'. This self wants this, that self wants that, another self wants that, another self wants this.
Then we have the past, the present and the future. That's when you realised that life is like a race track, before you participate in the race, you've already train and work hard. When you're in the race, your mind is already focus on the finish line. When you've completed the race, so has everyone. We're constantly 10 steps ahead about the future while the present has yet to complete its course. The next thing you know, the future has become present and the present has become the past. You never really live in the present; it feels more of a 'touch and go' phase. Like a paying toll. In the end, you realise everyone is after the same goal and honestly, it's pretty depressing to think about it.
But you know what's more depressing? We're never actually free. We're always, I mean - always tied to certain commitments and responsibilities, no matter how much freedom we think we would gain as we grow older. You leave high school, thinking freedom is awaiting you and then, you're clamped into a whole new system that is more complicated and demanding. Not saying that commitments and responsibilities are bad but honestly, there are some days when I get up and think, "I'm not going to do this anymore." It gets tiring sometimes knowing that you can only go so far and so much for something, only to realise the shackles around your ankles are just not long enough.
I apologised for this seemingly depressing post. Been through some rough days and have yet to fully recover. But yeah, I'm just tired.
Monday, June 25, 2012
I hope the future brings you well and you will be able to look back with laughter - and no regrets. I hope you'll find what you've been looking for and never lose sight of what's really important. I hope you can walk down the streets of Paris and lose yourself in Venice. I hope you look at the sky every night, so that you will look at the world differently at the end of each day. I hope you wake up everyday with something to look forward to and never have any sleepless nights. I hope you wouldn't stop travelling until your passport is filled and you have seen enough of this world. I hope you will find the pleasure in little things, be filled with all the glorious memories that will never be forgotten. I hope your dreams will come true, no matter how big and crazy they may be. I hope you know that you're beautiful, even when you're not on your best days. I hope you cry about things that are worth crying about - but I hope when you cry, you will have a shoulder to lean or a song to play along, so you would not feel alone. I hope you find love in a person or your passion - and when you do, I hope you would never go a day without it. I hope, most of all, you find someone when you're with him - her, you don't feel like the world is a problem that you can't figure out. I hope you never forget your 'please' and 'thank you'. I hope you have the strength to pick yourself up when you fall and the courage to rise again, even though you're scared. I hope you know that it's okay to be afraid and confused, that it's alright not to use a compass once in a while. I hope you'd never endure a heartbreak but I know, everyone will - however when you do, I hope you know the difference between the end of a chapter and the end of a story. I hope you will never forget those who matter to you, even when you haven't heard from them in years. I hope your faith stay strong and never lose that desire for adventures. I hope you go far in life, in anything you do and never settle for second best. I hope one day you realise that everything you went through will be worthwhile. I hope you will stay happy and not just be happy. I hope you find your freedom in this world someday. I hope you never forget this.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Because I like magical things.
Because I want to cast spells.
Because I want to ride on a dragon.
Because I want to be a wizard.
Because I love Narnia.
Because I know that with magic, life would be magical.
Because I need to break away from the rigid system of life that we imposed on ourselves.
Because life is too black and white, it needs rainbows.
Because I need more colours in my life.
Because I need some magic in my life.
Because I like to dream.
Because it takes me away from reality.
Because I don't have to wear a mask.
Because I can be whoever I want to be but still be myself.
Because I can create new things and not just discover them.
Because I can live in a whole different world.
Because I can imagine things that others would not see.
Because I need more than what my eyes can see.
Because dreams are better than realities.
Because I like rare things.
Because it makes me appreciate them more.
Because it makes them seem more special.
Because I would know how precious it is.
Because I would take really good care of it.
Because I know that if I lose or hurt it, I'll never get a chance again.
Because I know that I'll never be that lucky.
Because rare things are rare.
Because rare things are hard to find.
Because I like unicorns.
Because not everyone gets to have a unicorn.
Because nobody actually owns a unicorn.
Because unicorns cannot be own.
Because you'll only managed to grasp at their essence.
Because you can see them from afar but never have them.
Because they're out of your reach.
Because they're just so magical.
Because they're just so rare.
Because they're just so beautiful.
Because you just can't have everything.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Two more papers and I'm done with A-levels. Omg. YES.
On a different note, the future is actually pretty nostalgic, don't you think? You spend so much time preparing for it, wanting it as a means to escape from your present and fix the unfixed past. Throw in the uncertainty and doubts and possibilities, a lil' frightening I admit.
Friday, June 8, 2012
What's it like to be a teenager? It's exactly like how everyone says WILD, YOUNG and FREE. You were born in the 90's. You're the cool kid. You wear varsity jackets and skinny jeans. You say the word 'swag' cause YOLO as we all scientifically know. You're supposed to be rebellious and fun. Breaking every rule there is because that's what a teenager is supposed to be.
But being a teenager is hard as well. You're constantly inconsistent like a volcano waiting to erupt. You're volatile like a mad rain, quietly at first, mad the second and angry again. As a teenager, you don't know what you want. All you know is what a teenager is supposedly to want.
You need like to what everyone else likes. Mainstream. Greenday, Fall Out Boy, MCR. That was my pre-teen years. Oh wait, you don't like them? Who do you like then? Oh okay. Well, that's cool. No really, it's not cool. It's bloody weird and nobody listens to bands that hasn't got over a million YouTube views or play over every goddamn radio. But hey, it's still cool. Being a teenager means being weird. Dye your hair pink. Pierce your eyebrows and tongues. But be sure to take photos of yourself and show it to your children in 10 years time. They'll look at you differently.
Homework. Good God, whoever created them. Sure for the first few weeks (or days), you're going to be so motivated and make sure you're bang every homework there is. After that, all these f(x), and x and y start to bore the numbers (since it's maths) the hell out of you. You do last minute studying and expect flying colours at the end. What the hell were you thinking? Unless you planned on blending the entire book and drink it but I doubt its effectiveness. Really.
Another thing, you need to be daring. Show that you got balls and guts. Run into the girl's bathroom and running out back laughing while girls scream. Throw rubbers at your classmate and look away as you watch him/her get pissed like a Hulk wanting to smash whoever did that. Ohhh, you like that girl? Don't say you like her upfront. Not cool. Make fun of her. Pull her ponytail. Tease her. If she smacks you back and giggles, she likes you too. Cause well, that's how teenage love works.
You may or may not have a boyfriend/girlfriend but that's when the word "love" and "relationship" seem to be at its climax. Who do you like? Who do you want to date? Don't you think she's pretty? Oh my god, he just said 'hi' to me! This is when you feel like you're supposed to meet The One or you'll die as a virgin. This is when you're so madly in love with someone but you're so heart broken that she/he will never notice you. This is when your world revolves around that one person and you'll do almost anything and everything for that person. This when you'll first fall in love and first to cry at 3am alone in your bedroom.
Depression. Anxiety. I-just-wanna-die-right-now feeling. You feel messed up like a pair of earphone that doesn't understand how it got all tangled up. But hey, don't worry. This is where your friends step in and comfort you.....crap. You're invisible. Nobody notices you. Worse, they don't care about you. Your prettier friend gets all the attention. Girls tell her 'omg babe, anything just call me okay? I'm always here for you.' Guys would give her chocolates and tell her jokes and make her laugh. You despise yourself for lacking whatever that is you're lacking. You want to be noticed and heard. You want chocolates even though you hate them and listen to jokes even if they're lame. When are you going to get that? You despise yourself.
Your parents. Always calling up on you. Always giving lectures and not understanding you. Always at your room door, banging it asking if you had done the laundry. Who doesn't allow you to go to parties because it's not good for you. Who complains you're being 'too in love' with your handphone but forbids you to go over your friends' place because they tell you 'you can call her up and talk, right?'
Everything feels like shit. Everything is a first hand experience for you. Your first relationship. Your first heartbreak. Your first failure in exams. Your first award. Your first best friend. Your first enemy. Your first handphone. Your first time losing your handphone. Your first sleepover. Your first argument. Fuck, you will have the best and worst times of your life. You will have thoughts of who will stay with you and who will leave. Who's going to love you and who you might never see again. You'll feel so good and so bad at the same time.
But it doesn't matter.
But it doesn't matter.
You know why? Being a teenager is awesome. Really, it is.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Friday, June 1, 2012
I always had a fascination for thoughts. My thoughts, your thoughts. I've just watched Eckhart Tolle's video on 'Where do thoughts come from?' It's really interesting, the way he described it and viewed thoughts more than just voices in our heads. What really got to me was when he mentioned that our thoughts are not exactly our thoughts.
Check it out.
Anyway, I figured that if I could write a letter to my thoughts, this is what I would like to send:
Hi, where are you now? Are you currently lazing around the back of my mind or sneaking around, trying to pick up some old tapes that are left around the corner. How many of you are asleep? How many of you are awake? Are you even listening to me? Do you listen to me? Because I can hear you every time. Although sometimes I choose to ignore you and play some loud banging music, don't get me wrong -- I don't mean to offend you but you do get on my nerves sometimes.
Are you alright? Recently I've been feeling your blueness, confusion and anxiety. What's bothering you, thoughts? What have you been feeding on? What is that you have been thinking of? Tell me. I don't like to feel you this way. Scattered and confused. Trapped. So tell me, what's bothering you? I'm always here to listen, even though my annoyance to you is something I need to work on -- I'm here to listen, thoughts. So tell me.
You know what I think you need, thoughts? Freedom. You need to go beyond what lies within the walls that surround you. Take a trip to....where do you want to go? Greece? Rome? A beautiful garden? Take a train of thoughts there and discover yourself freely without any barriers. Mind you, though. Be good. Control yourself and let the train take you where it will stop. So don't jump off the train.
However, I also think that you need security, thoughts. Not that sort of constraining security but a safe security that comforts you when you overthink and overload yourself. I know they are so many of you there, thoughts and it won't be easy but that's the reason why you need this security. So don't stand alone, thoughts. No matter how dark or hideous as a thought you may be. In the sea of countless of thoughts, you ought to be able to find some other half of yours.
I've found out that you like to speak to me when the night dawns in, thoughts. I'm not sure why though. Is it because the dark sky night feeds on your colour? Or is it because after all that has passed through one day, you will sit back and start replaying and thinking and analysing what has today brought to you. I do try, thoughts. I listen to your questions, your confusions; I do feel you but most of the time, I don't have the answers to myself. I'm just as confused and cornered as you.
So thoughts, it's alright okay? Don't overthink yourself. Some things are meant to be the way they are. If it makes you feel any better, I just sat for my first paper today. I guess you knew how was it though. I'm doomed.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
"The word 'infinity' is being overused."
I don't get it. How can you overuse 'infinity' when it clearly has no ending?
Alright, maybe it is being used a lot; in fact, not only in words. Right now, there's this infinity necklace and infinity rings which I thought were tacky but sweet, I thought the infinity tattoos look cooler. Just saying. Anyway, besides being an uncountable number, 'infinity' is quite significant in many ways -- or at least, the way you interpret it.
Most used this infinity symbol for love. Okay, that's a good significance. It symbolises that your love has no beginning and no ending; it was infinitely there before any of you know it was. The love you feel for someone is infinite - you can go all day, months, years til wrinkles start to form but you won't feel overwhelmed by this person because as infinity goes, it just keeps going. There's no limit to love.
"To infinity and beyond!" By far, one of my most favourite infinity quote. (seriously, if you don't know where this quote is from, I feel sad for you) Not only we're going to infinity, we are going beyond it. It's possible that there might be something more and greater than infinity, right? Crazy but possible. What if this 'beyond infinity' is something so huge and compelled that none of us could grasp how enormous it is. Imagine, something greater than infinity. The universe as we know might just be a drop of infinity only.
"I feel infinite." It took me a while to understand this feeling. At last, I did. To feel infinite is to feel divine in your own unique ways. For Charlie, he felt infinite being with Sam and his friends, with his songs...I think we feel infinite when we feel belong -- comfortable and at ease with whoever and whatever we are with. Those who see the real you and actually understands even the messiest corner of your mind. To feel infinite is to feel the most comfortable way you could possibly ever feel. Now that's beautiful.
I think infinity has a beautiful meaning, in whichever sentence anyone expresses it. To feel infinite could be having relationships with people or things (like music) or you could just feel infinite, just by yourself. By listening to a song, without realisation, you drown your entire self into the lyrics and get into a trance. Even when the song has ended, it hasn't ended for you -- not through the earphones, anyway.
Being infinite is huge (if you get what I mean), you overcome your insecurities and reservedness. You discover yourself and when you do, you're not afraid to show others how divinely unique and different you are. So you should just be whoever the hell you are. I mean, why be a digit when you can be an infinite?
Hmm. I think I feel infinite right now.