Thursday, March 29, 2012

I'll Smile When You Speak

I have this fetish thing for quotes. Short, long, simple, twisted, love, sad, happy, fun, confusing, anything kind of quotes. When I really have nothing to do, I'll search the internet and tumblr (best quotes that could be found) for quotes. Then, when I have found a quote I like, I'll spend some time reading and admiring it before saving it down.

Lol. Forever alone much.

But really, nice quotes just make me feel nice. It can be a sad quote as well and I'll still feel nice. You know how they say when you like a particular quote, from a song or a book; it's generally because it represents you - how you truly feel about some people, some things and just life. Sometimes, a quote can be so powerful that it actually turns into a vocabulary to most people in their lives. Take for a example,  'you live only once'. Why does it hold so much significant in people's lives? Well, because we were born once and we will all will die one day. It's just the matter of when, where and how. The mystery of not knowing is what keeps this quote a strong hold to many people.

The quotes that I like varies quite a lot. It usually depends on my mood, haha. Although throughout my search for the perfect quotes, I have found I am both repel and drawn to love quotes. Repel because some love quotes can be just so cliche and a bit 'too much' -- to the extent I don't even feel the love flowing from the quote. Rarely and with some lady luck,  I'll come across love quotes that are just....lovely. Pure loveliness. Maybe the reason why I find love quotes interesting or why it is the most 'unreported' crime in the human world is because it's something that we all want and in return, to give back. Let's just say, it goes beyond the simple four letters spelling.

But I still think the best quotes to find is through songs! I'll be listening to a song, suddenly I hear a line that I like, I'll rewind it just to get the correct words. And it's so much fun! Though most of time, I'll listen to some songs just for that few lines or quotes that I like. Sometimes I think that without that line in the song, it wouldn't be great at all, or better yet, when the title of the song is named after that quote, I just go like YEAH.

I also realised that just because some quotes are long doesn't mean they're good. Sometimes they are just full of shit.

EXCEPT for this. True story.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Stop and Listen

I experienced something that really bothered me today. It's sad actually but it bothered me. It had me thinking a lot.

So after my mum picked me up from college, we were driving back home as usual. That's when we saw in the middle of the road, a family waving their hands, trying us to stop us down. There was a couple with three little kids, one of them was a baby. They had a motorcycle that was parked at the side, so I didn't quite understand but they had this pleading look on their faces.

We slowed down as my mum drove by and the man and the woman waved pleadingly. My mum was quite hesitant at first, I mean, who wouldn't? In this world we live in today, anything could happen. But the man started to speak and my mum wind down the window slowly.

He was talking to us in Malay. "Ma'am, please. My baby here has asthma and I really need to send her to the clinic just over there. But I don't have enough money. It costs me RM175 and I really don't have the money. I promise I will repay you back. I underwent an operation not too long ago, that's why I don't have money (he lifted his shirt and showed a really scared and long line along his belly). Please, ma'am."

"I don't have that much cash with me. But I can give you RM50."

"That will do too, ma'am. How will I contact you? I'll pay you back."

"Oh no. You don't need to."

"Thank you so much."

We waved to them before my mum slowly drove off and I noticed how both of us looked through the rear-view mirror, just looking at that family. My mum asked whether any car behind us is stopping for them. I looked and said, "It seems so. Quite a number of cars but few just drove by."

I wasn't really sure what was going through my mum's mind but so many thoughts and questions went through mine. A small part of me thought of the possibility that they weren't genuine, okay, I say a small part -- we can't be sure of everything now, can we? But there was this whole bigger part of me that hope those cars behind us would stop and listen to that man for a while and offer whatever they can. I also wonder how their lives were like; where do they live, what happened....I wished my mum or I could have offer more but I understood we did the best we could have possibly done.

I guess this whole thing bothered me because it pretty much made me wonder how we take for granted for so many things that seem 'affordable' and 'easy' to us while it may be a struggle for some other people. I admit it, sometimes I complain about unimportant things -- things that shouldn't even be any matter of complaint. I don't think it was easy for the man and his wife to beg for money from motorists along the road but any father and mother would do anything for their kids, for that I respect them.

The journey back home was rather quiet but soon, my mum turned on the radio and broke the silence, "He sounds like Michael Jackson, don't you think?"

I really hope the man collected enough money and that his baby is okay.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

A Boulevard of Everything

I'm never good with emotions. Handling them, to be precise. As easy as it comes, I'll avoid it as it comes. But when it hits me, I go into this tangled webs of directions and I just can't undo myself. When someone is sad, I feel sad too. Even when a character in a book is crying, I'll cry too. However, when I'm sad, I prefer not to talk to people about it even though they know I'm sad.

I don't know if that's good or bad but I feel comfortable that way.

Sigh. I'm so worried now. About everything. Nothing is going my way -- it doesn't seem like it. Alright, I get the point that we can't always get what we want but it isn't really about 'wanting'. I don't quite know how to put it into words but let's just say, I'm just so down now. It feels as though I'm pulled into so many directions but I'm not going anywhere. Thrown a thousand questions but getting no black and white answers. Nothing personally really but I don't like not knowing things, you know? Sigh.

Sorry. This sounds like a rather sad, confusing (?) post. I didn't know where else to rant to. Hmm, hopefully everything will get better soon.

Sigh. Trial is coming soon.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Here's To The Things I Love

I love car rides at night. I love how dark it is outside and how it penetrates my mind, sweeping every thoughts silently. With the music on, everything feels alright. Time stops but I'm moving.

I love those open, empty roads as well 'cause it makes me feel I'm driving to infinity. Then maybe one day, I'll get to watch the sunset and sunrise as I drive. I'm sick of waking up catching the sunrise and sick of going back to sleep once the sunset sets in.

I love those open fields. Green fields. Maybe with lots of little flowers too. Or maybe a lavender open field or sunflower field. I'll take a long run in that field and lie between those flowers, smelling their scents. Then at night, I can watch the stars twinkling back at me. For once, I won't have to lift my neck up to see those stars.

I love libraries too, surrounded by books. The smell of books are just so heavenly. And books that allow me to be those people I'll never be and take me to places that I'll never go. But I have yet to find a library I really like, same goes to bookstores. I will. Someday.

I love horses. How magnificent and strong they are, the way they run is so free. Yes, free. That's the word. How free they are and they can just run, run, run......If I was born as an animal, I would like to be a horse. I love the sea as well, beach, ocean -- all that. I wonder if anyone has ever just walked along the beach and felt peace for once. Nothing but leaving their footprints behind and just be surrounded by nature.

But no, I'm currently behind this laptop in a cold room. "I'm not depressed. I'm just depressing." - Shu Fei (I hope you don't mind me quoting you :p) Yeah, I'm just in that phase. Need more time for these too many things to do.

Say, did I tell you how much I love cheese?

Friday, March 9, 2012

And Now I Wonder How I Smell Like

Today at book club, we discussed the book - Perfume: The Story of A Murderer by Patrick Suskind. It's such a SICK book. I do mean, sick in both ways. It's about this perfumer called Grenouille who was born without any body odour but has the perfect sense of smell. Like really perfect which got him obsessed with odours/smells that lead him to become a murderer. The plot is pretty much expected but most of us at the book club agreed that it's the way the author describes all those smells that made it such a great, great book to read.

It's still a sick book, though.

Anyway, the book had me thinking about that phrase, "Everyone is good at something." For example, Grenouille is good at making perfumes. He was born with such an acute sense of smell. But what about me? What about you? It really had me thinking about it.

I mean, does doing something that you like makes you good at it? Or does it simply allows you to feel good about it? If you have seen those shows like American Idol, there would be a number of them who really love singing but they are just not that good at it. Oh no, I'm not referring to those horrific auditions where they sing like a cat falling off the Empire State building. But those who can sing, but they are just not good enough.

It left me wondering about them. Where do they go after that? Would they keep trying? Would they find something else they're good at?


Would it be because I work hard for something I want that I become good at it or would it be because I was born with that gift like Grenouille had? I'm pretty sure all of us are (must) be good at something, in whatever possible ways it would be.

But then, I thought, before we could be good at something - we must love that something we do. If we love the thing that we do, then only we can be happy. Only by being happy, can we truly be good at that something. Right? I've seen people doing something they're good at but they are not happy - they're contented but not happy. It seems they're doing the sake of it because they're good at it. And that left me....sad. And I pity those people who are really good in the things that they do (and happy as well) but it's not enough to survive in this world. And that left me....sad.

But I guess this thing, that one special thing we're searching for within ourselves takes time and patience. On how would we know we're good at that something, we would just know I presumed. Like how we would know that person is 'The One'. Then again, we have been fooled many times by the person who we thought are 'The One'.

So I've come to a conclusion: If you never try, you'll never know.

IELTS is tomorrow *cross fingers*

Btw, did you know that Grenouille means 'frog' in French?

Monday, March 5, 2012


My favourite animal is horse. I love horses. They are so wild, free and strong. And beautiful!! I think I got my first love of horses through a book (how nerdy) - Black Beauty. Have you read it? If not, read it! Read it! One of the best classics ever :')


But I love cats too. Maybe it's because I can squeeze them, cuddle them and well, squeeze them. I guess it is pretty weird for me to start blogging about animals but I kind of promised a friend I would write a post about 'cats'. Yes. Cats. Why? Cause that friend of mine is a cat (I'm serious). So why not we talk about the life of cats? From our point of view, of course.

Cats are lazy.
Face it. How many of us actually do see owners taking their cats for a stroll in the park? I bet even if there was a leash on the cat, it would not even move its ass. So while dogs are exercising and sweating their tongues off, cats are in the living room, sleeping their tails off. *meow* That's life.

Cats are fat.
I mean, look at Garfield! That beer belly of his is a serious sign of obesity. Unlike dogs (sorry for the usage of 'dogs' as a comparison but I assume the opposite meaning of 'cats' are 'dogs'?) which play 'fetch the ball/stick', cats are highly likely to rub against your legs that makes you go 'awwww' and you'll be feeding them huge plate of lasagna. Well yeah, obesity is bad. Then again, cats don't get appendix like dogs do.

Cats are sarcastic.
Obviously, I don't mean in words but if you look closely, cats can really give that 'get out of my face' kind of look. They could give the most sarcastic look, especially when you start to talk in the 'meow meow' language to them. So perhaps that look would mean, 'you're making a fool out of yourself. I can't understand a shit you're meowing to me.'

Cats are spoilt.
Pleaseeeee. Cats are really hardworking. They..... Sleep. Walk a few steps. Pause. Sit. Nap. Walk a few more steps. Food. Nap. Meow. More food. Meow. Sleep.

Cats are great friends.
Take for example, my grandma's cat. We were watching TV in the living room when we spotted a fat rat nearby. So I shouted, "Cuppocinoooo! There's a RAT UP THERE!" Cuppocino who was sleeping, woke up and saw the rat. He looked at the rat for a while, looked at us and slept back again. Maybe the rat was his friend?

As much as I love horses, I wouldn't mind living my life as a cat. I get food, a house, endless of sleep and of course, the ultimate bonus of 9 lives. Now, aren't cats just supremely awesome? :)

*meow meow*

Dang. I really want to eat beef lasagna now.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Carry Me Home Tonight

Everything is so hard right now. So difficult. Stressful. Such a blur.

I really wish I was better at handling my stressful-self. Like when people ask me to "chill", I can't. Everyday I come home from college, there's a part of me wanting to breakdown. I'm so tired. Right now, I sleep with this sort of 'heaviness' in me and waking up feeling the same. That feeling doesn't seem to fade away at all.

Yes. I'm stressed. Stressed as shit.

It feels as though nothing is going right. I hate these boring routines of sitting in class everyday and hearing to lectures that I can't even understand because we're rushing to meet the deadlines. I hate it when I try to cramp all these notes and facts into my head and vomit them out. And whenever I wake up in the morning, it's the same old routine again. Rushing out of the house early to beat the jam, rushing back to beat the jam, rushing to sleep to beat the morning sleepiness.

Before you say I'm a whiny complainer(probably?), I'm sure some of you have at least gone through or going through what I'm having now. You know, that feeling of heaviness where everything just seems.....dull. Feeling like a machine. I can't recall the last time I woke up feeling really happy -- happy about the things I'm going to do today and I can't recall the very last time I went to sleep feeling contented and satisfied. It's been so long and I'm just, well, tired.

It's not the kind of tiredness that can be cured by sleep. It's ME that's tired. Not my legs, not my eyes....I'm tired. (I hope that makes sense) Looking those around me, I wonder if they feel the same tiredness as I do. I wonder if they are hoping for something big and wanting some excitement in their lives.

Because at the end of the day, I don't want to do any of these things I'm doing now just the sake of a degree and a job. Though it's a tough world they say but I just really can't imagine myself being in this 'tiredness' and 'heaviness' mood forever. I guess it's life but I'm willing to take risks and do what makes me happy. I want that 'I can't wait to wake up tomorrow' kinda feeling. Yeah, that would be nice.

Until then, I shall struggle through this pile of bricks and stones.

I miss being happy.

Like really, really happy. Pure happiness.