Everything is so hard right now. So difficult. Stressful. Such a blur.
I really wish I was better at handling my stressful-self. Like when people ask me to "chill", I can't. Everyday I come home from college, there's a part of me wanting to breakdown. I'm so tired. Right now, I sleep with this sort of 'heaviness' in me and waking up feeling the same. That feeling doesn't seem to fade away at all.
Yes. I'm stressed. Stressed as shit.
It feels as though nothing is going right. I hate these boring routines of sitting in class everyday and hearing to lectures that I can't even understand because we're rushing to meet the deadlines. I hate it when I try to cramp all these notes and facts into my head and vomit them out. And whenever I wake up in the morning, it's the same old routine again. Rushing out of the house early to beat the jam, rushing back to beat the jam, rushing to sleep to beat the morning sleepiness.
Before you say I'm a whiny complainer(probably?), I'm sure some of you have at least gone through or going through what I'm having now. You know, that feeling of heaviness where everything just seems.....dull. Feeling like a machine. I can't recall the last time I woke up feeling really happy -- happy about the things I'm going to do today and I can't recall the very last time I went to sleep feeling contented and satisfied. It's been so long and I'm just, well, tired.
It's not the kind of tiredness that can be cured by sleep. It's ME that's tired. Not my legs, not my eyes....I'm tired. (I hope that makes sense) Looking those around me, I wonder if they feel the same tiredness as I do. I wonder if they are hoping for something big and wanting some excitement in their lives.
Because at the end of the day, I don't want to do any of these things I'm doing now just the sake of a degree and a job. Though it's a tough world they say but I just really can't imagine myself being in this 'tiredness' and 'heaviness' mood forever. I guess it's life but I'm willing to take risks and do what makes me happy. I want that 'I can't wait to wake up tomorrow' kinda feeling. Yeah, that would be nice.
Until then, I shall struggle through this pile of bricks and stones.
I miss being happy.
Like really, really happy. Pure happiness.