Sunday, April 29, 2012

Fragments of Thoughts

These past few days had me thinking about a lot of things and it felt all jumbled up. Nothing was bothering me, at least, externally. I couldn't straightened my thoughts and arrange them alphabetically; I simply didn't understand. I do that often at times, laying on my bed and allow my mind to run free. Not advisable though, especially when you can't seem to grasp what you're actually thinking about.

But I got some snips off my thoughts.

It goes like this:

Have you ever got that spur moment when you question yourself 'what am I doing here?' You know, being here. Existing. Living. Breathing. Why me? There are countless of things I question wanting to know why but I've been told it's not good to question such things. But I really want to know.

Why is the colour blue, blue?
Why are whales mammals?
Where do thoughts go when they are forgotten?
How can I talk to myself in my mind?

Most of all, where did I begin and where would I actually end?

Frankly, I'm not even certain why I question myself such unquestionable questions. Though I'm pretty positive that I'm not the only one.

It's quite surreal, isn't it? One day, you were born. Just like that. Maybe to some, it's just some celebration of a product of love but I find it amazing. Not about a newborn baby but the process of the baby before he/she was born -- like life was making itself before it actually begins. And this is amazing. A miracle if I were to put it.

And again, it comes again to where you ask 'why me?' Why am I put here. Honestly, I'm not a great person. I don't have some high IQ, I don't have perfect skin, my grades are somewhat average (below, maybe) -- I'm just so normal. Sometimes so normal, it feels like I can blend into the air that surrounds me. What does a normal person like me doing here, right now. It bothers me sometimes, I just can't grasp it. I just don't understand.

There's a saying "you were born to do something extraordinary." I'm pretty sure I won't be running for presidency or wipe out world hunger 110% any time soon. But I've come to a conclusion on my own, put it this way, I just needed some answers for myself.

Anyway, I guess I was born to do something extraordinary for those that matter to me. Let's say if you make your loved one smile because of something you did for them, that's already extraordinary. Simple act but hey, you did the extraordinary act by placing that smile on someone that matter you, and because you matter to that someone only did that act becomes extraordinary.

Am I confusing much? Pretty much.

If only I could share my thoughts with someone.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

#1 Handwriting

So I realised that my blog has tilted into some emotional roller-coaster ride *pukes* Not that emotions are not good or whatever but I think it's time for me to blog something more specific, like I used to, 2 years ago. Let my Tumblr do my emotional wreck talking. (oh I'm so pathetic, even my mum agrees)

Recently, nearly every lecturer I have is complaining about my handwriting. They say it's 'unreadable' 'difficult to read' 'I'm just simply guessing what you wrote'. Well, can't blame them because I do agree it does seem hard to read but....I LOVE MY HANDWRITING. Not because I think it's pretty or just plain defensive. I gave birth to my handwriting, okay.

my sociology notes. Lol.

So this is basically my handwriting. It's called 'ancient and old' by some of people but my mum thinks it just screams annoying.Quite amusing actually when you get to hear people's responses to your handwriting. I find it both amusing and personal at times -- not to the extend I get offended, I mean, please it's just handwriting. But rather for me, handwriting is personal. It's a part of me that flows out in every word and thought I write. The way I write my alphabates. It builds some sort of connection. So this explains (I hope) my love for my handwriting. Just like being happy with the way I am, I'm not going to change my handwriting for anyone but wellll....I promise that I would try to make it 'readable' for the sake of exams.

Anyway, do you know that handwriting is so personal that it can actually tell what sort a person you are? No kidding! The way your words slant, whether they are cursive or not; it's possible to pick out traits of yourself just by analysing your handwriting. This study and analysis of handwriting is called 'Graphology' and it related to human psychology. How effing cool is that. Here! See this --> Graphology

If I could study Graphology one day, I would. Not to find a job for it but just to know how to analyse handwriting. I think it's rather fascinating and amazing because nobody has the same handwriting, it's like your DNA, just that every stroke of word tells a bit about yourself.

By the way, I don't like writing the alphabate 'g' and 'y'. I just don't.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

Life shits and stuff. Mainly, people. Oh exams.

Bundle all of these together and you'll get the phrase of 'sick and tired of being sick and tired'. Swear to god at some points, I felt like stopping. Literally during a moment, stop to just get a deep breath before picking up again. But O' holy mother of the universe, life doesn't stop for anyone.

I admit, there are things that still upset me until now. I wouldn't say I had not 'let go' but some things just stay with you, you know; regardless of how old and faded they may be. They just become a part of you as you grow. And I think that's the only thing that I'm not sick and tired of. Yeah, they upset me sometimes but that's the only thing that doesn't change, doesn't seem uncertain.

I do like changes. I do, really. But when too much changes come along your way, all you crave is some sort of security, reassurance -- just to grip onto that. It's like....walking in total darkness, can't even see the back of your hand but knowing another person's hand is there gripping yours, you know it'll be alright. A guide. A hope. A light. Whatever you want to name it.

Because life is in a constant state of motion. Forever changing. Slow paced. Fast paced. Whether you realised it or not but when you do, you finally realised that it is a pretty scary world out there. So what do people do when they're scared? They ask for help....if only they knew what sort of help they needed. But I pretty much think what most of us need as help these days is for people just to stay and listen. Like really, really listen with full of care and whole heartily.

I'm just upset.

Friday, April 13, 2012

I Need an Adventure

Adventure. That's what I really want in life. It gives you the thrill, excitement, anxiety and I like those feelings. It makes me feel alive -- a sense of purpose. Isn't that the reason why we read books? Because they give us adventures that would be impossible to ever venture outside from it.

I love books but my favourites are fantasy genre. Harry Potter, Narnia, Eragon, Alice in Wonderland; now these are my adventures. The amount of time I spent waving wands, being Queen, talking to a rabbit and flying on a dragon are irreplaceable. Like how actors immersed into their characters, I become the characters in the book. Whoever I want to be.

Yes! I've finished Inheritance. I nearly wept at the end. I was so, so, so sad. However, Paolini said that he has spent so much time building this magical world that he cannot simply abandon it. So, he would return again soon. Well, I hope he does. It took him TWELVE years to complete all 4 books.

Anyway, yeah, adventure. That's what I want. It may sound ridiculous but I actually get jealous of the characters in books. They get to experience sword fighting. They get to meet elves. They get to go into Wonderland. They get an adventure. I often wonder how the writers feel when they write the book. I've always wanted to have a great writer as my good friend, maybe someone like C.S. Lewis, Christopher Paolini. So I can have a never ending adventure! Pretty selfish of me. But it would be really nice when someone understands the way I feel about this.

I'm pretty bored and tired -- of so many, many things.

I need an adventure.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Still Finding the Self in Me

You know how you promised yourself that you wouldn't be the person you promised not to be, but in the end, somewhere down the road you slowly changed into that person? Because it's a slow and 'undetected' process, you fail to recognised it at first and when you do finally realised it, it's almost a complete shock to yourself. Frustration the most.

And soon, you get tired of yourself.

This is not a self-inflicting post or anything but somewhat a realisation and writing out might clear these clouded mist in my head.

It's pretty ironic how things turned out or changed into something that you never wanted. Like how you've always wanted this thing but always ended up getting another thing. I did sit down and question myself how the heck did I become who I am now. Was it my friends? Books? School? Or it could be everything. The opposite attraction rule perhaps. When two subjects constantly defy against each other, the attraction between them increases -- like a magnet. West and East. Total opposite but attracted to each other. Or it was my carelessness. Getting carried away with the joys in life. Or well, I don't know for sure. Not exactly anyway.

I guess I made that promise to myself so I wouldn't be a bad person. I want to be a good person. Who doesn't anyway (well, most). But soon, you just have to start asking yourself "What makes a 'good person'?" A good education. Countless donations. Proper attire. Helpfulness. Politeness. The list can go on, so frankly, to be a good person is a rather subjective one. Some might not see a good education to 'give birth' a good person. Some may even go to the extent that your family background to define the good person you are. Yes, people still do this day. Like what the fucking crap you narrow minded asses. It just pisses me off.

A good person for me would be....everything I do, everything I act, everything I think and everything I say should be good itself -- not on just the surface but under the surface as well. It should not only bring the good out of me but attract more good around me. You know how the saying goes, "If you want to be smart, hang out with the smart people." It's the basic law of life. Basic of the basics. And it's time I put that to good use.

PS. Breaking a promise to yourself is worse than breaking a pinky promise.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Bits of Munches

1. I'm writing this because I'm in a mood to write a post but I still feel like writing.
2. I've read the Catcher in the Rye. What I can equivalate anything to a bastard and a sonuvabitch. And I'm pretty sure Salinger was depressed when he wrote it. Love it though.
3. Reading Inheritance now. Fourth book of Narnia. Damn son, it's like a bible!
4. My brother loves Famous Amos Cookies as well. So mummy, need to buy 300g next time.
5. Here is the place where I love you.
6. I need to study soon. But oh my, where do I start :(
7. Why didn't I hear the Safe and Sound soundtrack during the Hunger Games movie?
8. I expected Haymitch to be less....good looking.
9. You know that place between sleeping and awake, that place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you. That's where I'll be waiting.
10. It's my sister's birthday soooonnn! 10th April! Yes, few more hours :D
11. I think I'm getting depressed lately.
12. I want my Peeta.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Books, books and more books

Trials are over! 2 weeks break :D Well, not exactly. My break would come after 15th June only. Sigh sigh sigh.

Let's put that aside for a while.

Okay. Here's a question that I've been seeing pretty much everywhere lately, "If you were given a ticket to go anywhere on earth, where would you go?"

I would go to: Portugal.

I admit I would want to go to Rome, Venice, Dublin, New York, etc. All those big and nice cities but I figured if I were given one airplane ticket to go anywhere, I want to make it count. Make it special. Something that would really fulfill me in and out.

So why Portugal? Well, Livraria Lello in Porto, Portugal to be exact. Remember when I said I haven't come across any bookstore I like yet? I think I have found it in Porto, across the internet of course. It's listed as one of the world's greatest bookstore, came in third place with City Lights Books in San Francisco coming first, followed by Libreria El Ateneo Grand Splendid in Argentina. These bookstores look amazing as well but Livraria Lello stood out beyond the rest for me. It didn't just look like a bookstore to looked like a dreamland!

It's 100 over years old, designed by architect Xavier Esteves. The design is mainly neo-gothic. There's also a small coffee shop inside!

This is the staircase!

The architect of this bookstore is beyond amazing! I'm already in love with it. And look at the stairs! And just look at the amount of books, all aligned and stacked up across the walls. This is what I call 'perfection'. I swear I haveeee to go there one day. Free airplane ticket or not, I HAVE TO GET MY ASS THERE. Ugh. Okay, chill QM.

I just love bookstores that look more than just any ordinary bookstore. Bookstores that actually look like they are asking you to stay in there forever and read and discover another world inside it. I guess the reason why I'm so after the 'perfect' bookstore is that, you know how after reading a good book, you get pulled into reality again and just feel depressed for a while? Well, bookstores such as Livraria Lello, it looks like it serves to curb that issue, keep yourself in your wonderland. Or maybe, allows you to seek another adventure.

Another bookstore I would love to go would be Shakespeare & Company in Paris, France. A simple bookstore, flooded with books. It looks so cozy and it's the sort of place which I wouldn't mind calling as my home.

The third floor in Shakespeare & Company

If I have the money and capabilities, I would really love to open a bookstore like these one day.

In the meantime, before I fly off to Portugal and Paris, I'm gonna catch up my reading on Catcher In The Rye!