Thursday, June 28, 2012

An Everyday War

Have you ever wonder what if this whole world is just a made-up? This life happening around us is actually fragmentation of our thoughts and we could actually be paralysed in a confinement - where we have no control of how we are living. The idea that this whole ideology of what we have been taught and brought up with are actually nothing. So mind fucking, isn't it.

I guess what I'm trying to come forth with is that life is complicated, as simple as it seems. By God, if only we could see the battles that we face everyday, every second in our lives. I bet that if we do, we would be traumatised to take another breath in. I'm not referring to those 'seen' battles in Iraq where it gains world headlines, instead battles that everyone faces - the 'unseen' ones. Plato once said, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Truth to be told, we are constantly fighting everyday, within ourselves and at ourselves. We all seem to be at a little war with ourselves. I don't believe we are made up of only one 'self', we are made up of so many 'self' which causes this war of 'I' against 'I'. This self wants this, that self wants that, another self wants that, another self wants this.

Then we have the past, the present and the future. That's when you realised that life is like a race track, before you participate in the race, you've already train and work hard. When you're in the race, your mind is already focus on the finish line. When you've completed the race, so has everyone. We're constantly 10 steps ahead about the future while the present has yet to complete its course. The next thing you know, the future has become present and the present has become the past. You never really live in the present; it feels more of a 'touch and go' phase. Like a paying toll. In the end, you realise everyone is after the same goal and honestly, it's pretty depressing to think about it.

But you know what's more depressing? We're never actually free. We're always, I mean - always tied to certain commitments and responsibilities, no matter how much freedom we think we would gain as we grow older. You leave high school, thinking freedom is awaiting you and then, you're clamped into a whole new system that is more complicated and demanding. Not saying that commitments and responsibilities are bad but honestly, there are some days when I get up and think, "I'm not going to do this anymore." It gets tiring sometimes knowing that you can only go so far and so much for something, only to realise the shackles around your ankles are just not long enough.

I apologised for this seemingly depressing post. Been through some rough days and have yet to fully recover. But yeah, I'm just tired.

Monday, June 25, 2012

I Hope

I hope the future brings you well and you will be able to look back with laughter - and no regrets. I hope you'll find what you've been looking for and never lose sight of what's really important. I hope you can walk down the streets of Paris and lose yourself in Venice. I hope you look at the sky every night, so that you will look at the world differently at the end of each day. I hope you wake up everyday with something to look forward to and never have any sleepless nights. I hope you wouldn't stop travelling until your passport is filled and you have seen enough of this world. I hope you will find the pleasure in little things, be filled with all the glorious memories that will never be forgotten. I hope your dreams will come true, no matter how big and crazy they may be. I hope you know that you're beautiful, even when you're not on your best days. I hope you cry about things that are worth crying about - but I hope when you cry, you will have a shoulder to lean or a song to play along, so you would not feel alone. I hope you find love in a person or your passion - and when you do, I hope you would never go a day without it. I hope, most of all, you find someone when you're with him - her, you don't feel like the world is a problem that you can't figure out. I hope you never forget your 'please' and 'thank you'. I hope you have the strength to pick yourself up when you fall and the courage to rise again, even though you're scared. I hope you know that it's okay to be afraid and confused, that it's alright not to use a compass once in a while. I hope you'd never endure a heartbreak but I know, everyone will - however when you do, I hope you know the difference between the end of a chapter and the end of a story. I hope you will never forget those who matter to you, even when you haven't heard from them in years. I hope your faith stay strong and never lose that desire for adventures. I hope you go far in life, in anything you do and never settle for second best. I hope one day you realise that everything you went through will be worthwhile. I hope you will stay happy and not just be happy. I hope you find your freedom in this world someday. I hope you never forget this.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Why I Need A Unicorn

Because I like magical things.
Because I want to cast spells.
Because I want to ride on a dragon.
Because I want to be a wizard.
Because I love Narnia.
Because I know that with magic, life would be magical.
Because I need to break away from the rigid system of life that we imposed on ourselves.
Because life is too black and white, it needs rainbows.
Because I need more colours in my life.
Because I need some magic in my life.

Because I like to dream.
Because it takes me away from reality.
Because I don't have to wear a mask.
Because I can be whoever I want to be but still be myself.
Because I can create new things and not just discover them.
Because I can live in a whole different world.
Because I can imagine things that others would not see.
Because I need more than what my eyes can see.
Because dreams are better than realities.

Because I like rare things.
Because it makes me appreciate them more.
Because it makes them seem more special.
Because I would know how precious it is.
Because I would take really good care of it.
Because I know that if I lose or hurt it, I'll never get a chance again.
Because I know that I'll never be that lucky.
Because rare things are rare.
Because rare things are hard to find.

Because I like unicorns.
Because not everyone gets to have a unicorn.
Because nobody actually owns a unicorn.
Because unicorns cannot be own.
Because you'll only managed to grasp at their essence.
Because you can see them from afar but never have them.
Because they're out of your reach.
Because they're just so magical.
Because they're just so rare.
Because they're just so beautiful.
Because you just can't have everything.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Probably The Shortest Blog Post I've Ever Written

Two more papers and I'm done with A-levels. Omg. YES.


On a different note, the future is actually pretty nostalgic, don't you think? You spend so much time preparing for it, wanting it as a means to escape from your present and fix the unfixed past. Throw in the uncertainty and doubts and possibilities, a lil' frightening I admit.


Friday, June 8, 2012

Teenagers Are Awesome

What's it like to be a teenager? It's exactly like how everyone says WILD, YOUNG and FREE. You were born in the 90's. You're the cool kid. You wear varsity jackets and skinny jeans. You say the word 'swag' cause YOLO as we all scientifically know. You're supposed to be rebellious and fun. Breaking every rule there is because that's what a teenager is supposed to be.

But being a teenager is hard as well. You're constantly inconsistent like a volcano waiting to erupt. You're volatile like a mad rain, quietly at first, mad the second and angry again. As a teenager, you don't know what you want. All you know is what a teenager is supposedly to want.

You need like to what everyone else likes. Mainstream. Greenday, Fall Out Boy, MCR. That was my pre-teen years. Oh wait, you don't like them? Who do you like then? Oh okay. Well, that's cool. No really, it's not cool. It's bloody weird and nobody listens to bands that hasn't got over a million YouTube views or play over every goddamn radio. But hey, it's still cool. Being a teenager means being weird. Dye your hair pink. Pierce your eyebrows and tongues. But be sure to take photos of yourself and show it to your children in 10 years time. They'll look at you differently.

Homework. Good God, whoever created them. Sure for the first few weeks (or days), you're going to be so motivated and make sure you're bang every homework there is. After that, all these f(x), and x and y start to bore the numbers (since it's maths) the hell out of you. You do last minute studying and expect flying colours at the end. What the hell were you thinking? Unless you planned on blending the entire book and drink it but I doubt its effectiveness. Really.

Another thing, you need to be daring. Show that you got balls and guts. Run into the girl's bathroom and running out back laughing while girls scream. Throw rubbers at your classmate and look away as you watch him/her get pissed like a Hulk wanting to smash whoever did that. Ohhh, you like that girl? Don't say you like her upfront. Not cool. Make fun of her. Pull her ponytail. Tease her. If she smacks you back and giggles, she likes you too. Cause well, that's how teenage love works.

You may or may not have a boyfriend/girlfriend but that's when the word "love" and "relationship" seem to be at its climax. Who do you like? Who do you want to date? Don't you think she's pretty? Oh my god, he just said 'hi' to me! This is when you feel like you're supposed to meet The One or you'll die as a virgin. This is when you're so madly in love with someone but you're so heart broken that she/he will never notice you. This is when your world revolves around that one person and you'll do almost anything and everything for that person. This when you'll first fall in love and first to cry at 3am alone in your bedroom.

Depression. Anxiety. I-just-wanna-die-right-now feeling. You feel messed up like a pair of earphone that doesn't understand how it got all tangled up. But hey, don't worry. This is where your friends step in and comfort you.....crap. You're invisible. Nobody notices you. Worse, they don't care about you. Your prettier friend gets all the attention. Girls tell her 'omg babe, anything just call me okay? I'm always here for you.' Guys would give her chocolates and tell her jokes and make her laugh. You despise yourself for lacking whatever that is you're lacking. You want to be noticed and heard. You want chocolates even though you hate them and listen to jokes even if they're lame. When are you going to get that? You despise yourself.

Your parents. Always calling up on you. Always giving lectures and not understanding you. Always at your room door, banging it asking if you had done the laundry. Who doesn't allow you to go to parties because it's not good for you. Who complains you're being 'too in love' with your handphone but forbids you to go over your friends' place because they tell you 'you can call her up and talk, right?' 

Everything feels like shit. Everything is a first hand experience for you. Your first relationship. Your first heartbreak. Your first failure in exams. Your first award. Your first best friend. Your first enemy. Your first handphone. Your first time losing your handphone. Your first sleepover. Your first argument. Fuck, you will have the best and worst times of your life. You will have thoughts of who will stay with you and who will leave. Who's going to love you and who you might never see again. You'll feel so good and so bad at the same time.

But it doesn't matter.

You know why? Being a teenager is awesome. Really, it is.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Dear Thoughts

I always had a fascination for thoughts. My thoughts, your thoughts. I've just watched Eckhart Tolle's video on 'Where do thoughts come from?' It's really interesting, the way he described it and viewed thoughts more than just voices in our heads. What really got to me was when he mentioned that our thoughts are not exactly our thoughts.

Check it out.

Anyway, I figured that if I could write a letter to my thoughts, this is what I would like to send:

Dear thoughts,

Hi, where are you now? Are you currently lazing around the back of my mind or sneaking around, trying to pick up some old tapes that are left around the corner. How many of you are asleep? How many of you are awake? Are you even listening to me? Do you listen to me? Because I can hear you every time. Although sometimes I choose to ignore you and play some loud banging music, don't get me wrong -- I don't mean to offend you but you do get on my nerves sometimes.

Are you alright? Recently I've been feeling your blueness, confusion and anxiety. What's bothering you, thoughts? What have you been feeding on? What is that you have been thinking of? Tell me. I don't like to feel you this way. Scattered and confused. Trapped. So tell me, what's bothering you? I'm always here to listen, even though my annoyance to you is something I need to work on -- I'm here to listen, thoughts. So tell me.

You know what I think you need, thoughts? Freedom. You need to go beyond what lies within the walls that surround you. Take a trip to....where do you want to go? Greece? Rome? A beautiful garden? Take a train of thoughts there and discover yourself freely without any barriers. Mind you, though. Be good. Control yourself and let the train take you where it will stop. So don't jump off the train.

However, I also think that you need security, thoughts. Not that sort of constraining security but a safe security that comforts you when you overthink and overload yourself. I know they are so many of you there, thoughts and it won't be easy but that's the reason why you need this security. So don't stand alone, thoughts. No matter how dark or hideous as a thought you may be. In the sea of countless of thoughts, you ought to be able to find some other half of yours.

I've found out that you like to speak to me when the night dawns in, thoughts. I'm not sure why though. Is it because the dark sky night feeds on your colour? Or is it because after all that has passed through one day, you will sit back and start replaying and thinking and analysing what has today brought to you. I do try, thoughts. I listen to your questions, your confusions; I do feel you but most of the time, I don't have the answers to myself. I'm just as confused and cornered as you.

So thoughts, it's alright okay? Don't overthink yourself. Some things are meant to be the way they are. If it makes you feel any better, I just sat for my first paper today. I guess you knew how was it though. I'm doomed.

- Qamarina