Friday, October 26, 2012
Sometimes I'll be sitting down in a room crowded with people and think, "what's wrong with me?" It's that stinging feeling I get, quite similar to finding a prick in your finger. The feeling of you don't belong there but yet, you are in there. I just get that feeling that I don't belong here. There are times when I feel like I'm the one who's normal and everyone else is just fragment of another universe. Lil' bit extreme, I guess but well, yeah.
It's like reading a book. They may say "Oh, it's a wonderful book. I like the plot." But I don't see it that way. I see parts of myself in there, the friends I made, the places I've been. When some had only graze on its cover, I went layers by layers until I wasn't sure which layer I was in anymore. I really didn't mind though, being in those layers. It was comforting. It kept me in company when I felt alone.
What I'm trying to say is, I feel most of the time that the people around me are standing few feet higher than me. Not literally, though. They get to see the sun, the sky and people around them while I get to see the dirts under the rocks, midnight stars and being alone. I did contemplate about taking a ladder and climb my way out or shouted just to be heard....but I decided against it. I did not want to be a prick in a finger anymore.
"All of a sudden I didn't fit in anywhere. Not at school, not at home....and every time I turned around, another person I'd known forever felt like a stranger to me. Even I felt like a stranger to me."
I swear, I swear, I swear it's so tough at times. I feel so left out. The desperation of meeting some mind that's similar to mine almost seems impossible. Perhaps I'm just being too hard on myself. But it's so hard when to tell people some things because you know they would not understand; not that these people are shallow or whatever, just that, I know they won't understand.
But I'm alright. Just finding my place, that's all.
Friday, October 5, 2012
I feel so bad for abandoning my blog this long. Makes me depressed too. As odd as it sounds, if I don't write, I get depressed. Pretty much how others express through singing or screaming their lungs out, I like to crap out in one long ass post because unlike screaming, I like to collect and keep whatever crap I have.
Anyway, life's been good so far! But stressful. Assignments are building up. Assessment is coming up. Uni application need to be filled soon. I'm having the roller coaster of my life -- just hoping that the seat belt stays put and I won't get flung out any time soon.
Pretty much settled down already but I still find it hard to make friends. As kiddy as it sounds, it's true. Not that I'm being unfriendly or picky, just that, well, let's just say I like to keep my circle small. It's nice to have lots of friends -- to hang out with, laugh about and having the security of a group. But the thing is, I want to meet new people. I don't just mean strangers, "new" as in a different person with different taste, different mindset, different being; something that I've never encounter before. I want something new.
I'm not sure about you but most people to me appear to be grey. They look the same. They're nice and friendly but they're the same. It's not a problem, don't get me wrong but the thing is, I don't feel like I'm grey. I'm never grey. I change colours. Sometimes I would be pink. The next day, yellow or the next second, I'll be green. And I stick out like a sore thumb, unable to blend in the grey colour because I'll just mess it up. I will still mingle around the grey but I can't blend it, I can't mix my colour with theirs. I change too much and I like change.
Swear to God, most of the time, I think I'm the one with the problem here.
Well, sometimes. Because most of the time, some people just need to be high five with a brick across their faces.
P.S. Growing up doesn't make sense.